I have been having body image issues the past couple of days. Yesterday was pretty bad. I was feeling really down about this baby weight. I just felt like a fat cow. I am getting frustrated that I haven’t lost any more pounds in a few weeks. I am just hanging out here at 131. I thought about posting to get it off of my chest yesterday, but I was pretty sure it would have just turned into an emotional nonsensical rant! I figured I would give myself a day to calm down.

I had to take Jack to the Dr yesterday. This pediatrician group always asks how baby is and then asks how mom is doing, because of postpartum depression. So, I was honest. “I am feeling happy with pretty much all things, except this baby weight. I am having a hard time losing it.” The look on his face was pretty amusing, he looked like I had just told him I was half lizard. He looked up and down at me, I happened to be standing sideways. Then he said “what baby weight?” I replied, “I still have bout 7-10lbs to lose” He replied “What?!?! Do you want to be a rail?” He then held up one finger, imitating a rail. I told him that is what I weighed before I had Jackson….and that he sounds like my husband….

I do not see what other people see. I never have. I realized this recently when looking at old photos of myself. By old I mean, when I was a house in the last month or so of pregnancy and I started looking at photos from spring 2010. I looked so good! It did not help my feeling sorry for my big preggo self though lol I genuinely, with all of my heart, want to be back to what I was April/May 2010.

Lately I continually hear:

“you look amazing”

“you look the same to me already!”

“you had a baby?!?!?!”

The compliments are nice, but who in their right mind would ever tell someone that they look like awful? Yeah, you do look fat after having that baby! You really let yourself go! How often do people actually say that? Unless you’re bff’s with Gillian Michaels, I am guessing that most people in your life are not going to say those things. Jackson’s Dr wasn’t going to say, “yeah you are a little fatty patty there lady!” Nope, people are there to reassure you and give you the excuse that you just had a baby so your body can totally suck. I hate that SO much! There is no excuse! If I buy into that excuse, then I will get absolutely nowhere.

What I see in the mirror are ginormous upper thighs and a rather unattractive rear end. Ugh, it disgusts me to look at myself without pants or shorts on. It is not just the back area and inner area I hate, I actually do not like how the front of my thighs look. I don’t remember when that has happened! Until now….OH and shorts, I am super picky about which ones are ok to wear. Then I usually spend my entire time in them pulling them down or rearranging them. That area has always been an area of concern to me, even before Jackson. So now it is just ridiculous.

My stomach looks like santa’s belly to me. Particularly the lower abs. You know, where that uterus really stretched things out! I am still not totally happy with my triceps. I noticed in the mirror in the meat dept at the grocery store the other day how gross they looked as I grabbed meat for dinner. I quickly recoiled my arm and moved on.

I am incredibly finicky with my body. I was before this baby and now it is just ten fold. A couple times a week, the thought of giving up breastfeeding crosses my mind. Then I can do more what I want when it comes to my appearance. I don’t have to be so conscious about things. My body wont desperately cling to these nasty fat stores in my upper thighs and butt. Ew they gross me out so much. The thought of feeding Jackson formula makes me gag. So I wont give it up for some time. We have been given the ok to start solids, some rice cereal. I refuse to even buy rice cereal for him without trying to make it myself first. I have never considered myself very all natural organic etc. But with this child I am all about all natural with his foods. Breastfeeding and making his baby food. I refuse to give him things that I have not prepared myself. But I can blog about that later.

I want to run! OH GOD I want to go running again. I want to do some 5ks. I miss them. I miss the feel after a good run. That high you get…..But I cannot do much running with the little man. We bought an elliptical when we moved, not a treadmill. I asked about a jogger yesterday. Most have a recommended age of 6 months. That is in August. So I asked his Dr, do you think he is big enough to go into one even though he is 4 months? He is 26 inches long, the 88th percentile for height! But he is in the 27th percentile for weight, 14lbs 3oz. He is built exactly like his Daddy. The Dr. said no, that he would stick with their recommendations. It probably has something to do with their trunk control as well as size. Trunk control gets better around 6 months. So I am sitting here itching to run. Jason said to go at night. Well, he gets home and he is starving, so I have to have dinner about ready. I cannot run after I eat. I have to wait at least 3 hours or I get severe cramping. That doesn’t really work then. He said to go on Saturdays. I think tomorrow I am. I will feed the baby in the morning when we get up, hand him to Jason and I am heading out for a good run. If I got up very early on Sundays I may be able to squeeze it in too.

I don’t know if running will help my body image, but at least I will fulfill that desire to use those muscles again. I am sure that once I hit or if I hit, my prepreggo size that I will still be picky. I wont feel quite so awful, but I will still remain concerned with my fitness. It is how I am. Bottom line. I have been this way for years and years. I know it drives Jason and my mom crazy.

So that is how I feel. I am just tired of this already. I want to bounce back. I want to be done with weighing in the 130s. I want to be back in the 120’s. God, they are so close I can taste it. Teetering on the low 130’s is a huge tease. I did my BMI the other day. I am 5’4 and 131lbs, 22.5 right in the middle of normal range. Last spring I was more like 20.8-21.1 depending on the day πŸ™‚ I want to be back there.

I wholeheartedly believe Jackson will be our only child. I have no desire to do this again.Β  I LOVE him with every ounce of my being. God, I love that baby. He is perfect. I am SO lucky to be HIS momma! He blesses me every day with his love and smiles and even his tears. But I do not want to do this to my body again. Some may say that is selfish, but I do not think so. I only get one life, and one body. I should take care of myself and be the happiest I can be. God answered my prayers and gave me the most wonderful baby imaginable. He is personable, has a sense of humor already, he is adorable and handsome! I couldn’t have asked for my prayers to be answered more perfectly. I am content with our family how it is. It is exactly what we wanted. I think I am done. Unless there is a surprise one day down the road. Then I will suck it up and deal with it and go through this hellish emotional and physical rollercoaster all over again….But I hope to not do that.

This is my honest confession about how I feel sometimes. I do not always feel great and super fit momma. I hope one day to be back there and feel fit again. Perhaps, that feeling should be my goal and not the weightloss. But realistically, I am obsessed with the number on the scale and the number in my pants. Four months ago I was appalled at having to buy a size 8! I just thought, if only I could be in a size 4. And now I am in a size 4, and SOMETIMES a size 2. And I again just keep thinking about how it could be a smaller number. It could be a size 2 and SOMETIMES a size 0. That would be normalcy for me.

It is what it is. I do not want to weigh 114lbs again, like I did at our wedding in 2008. That was such a stressful time, not to mention surgery that made me drop a few lbs. I looked too thin, I can honestly say that! The lowest I really would want to go is 120. 11 lbs. But I will be happy in the 123/4 area. That is my goal…for now!

Ok this is the longest post ever! I am done and getting on to the rest of my day. I have been up since 7 and it is 8:30. My lazy duck baby is still sleeping! This is a wonderful thing πŸ™‚