It has been a rough few weeks. In particular it has been a rough two days. Friday my very dear great Aunt Lor passed away. I love that lady. She is amazing. She was 89. So she lived a long life. But I have never seen someone handle tragedies in life with as much grace as her. She lost both of her children when they were young adults. Her husband passed away years ago. I was much younger. I remember him and I remember the wake but I had to have been in middle school. She was just the most energetic, sweet, funny, sharp, loving, beautiful lady. My heart is broken and I think a piece of it will always be. It was like losing a grandparent. She is my grandpa’s sister. She went everywhere with my grandparents. The three of them. So she truly is like a 5th grandparent for me. My brothers, three cousins, and myself are supposed to be pallbearers on Wednesday.

On top of that yesterday we put my other grandpa into a nursing home. This is on my mom’s side. My aunt was my dad’s aunt. So on both sides we are dealing with a lot of tough stuff.

I also have been dealing with my own health battle. I set out writing two different posts about it that I never ended up posting. After losing my aunt I did some thinking. She handled tragedy, as I mentioned, with a ton of grace. I can’t allow myself to wallow in my own self pity. So I am going to move on and grab life by the horns and deal. I have a wonderful little boy to raise and love. I know that she would want me to relish in every miniscule second of parenthood. I have him and I am lucky.

I am having a hard time talking about her and our special moments. I can’t say certain memories out loud. I thought about typing them but I don’t think I can do that without bawling. My family knows what I am speaking of and I guess for now that is what matters. I am going to miss her terribly. I did tell my mom I woke up yesterday thinking how I can’t stand the thought of a world without Aunt Lor in it. I truly mean that. The world lost a fabulous lady. Fabulous

She had her funeral arrangements all set up. I was at the funeral home yesterday helping go over arrangements. I have to share just how fabulous she is. Three notes she had written about her arrangements.

1. She has clothes to be worn…. if necessary. (She cracks me up even from heaven!)

2. She had a photo picked out of EXACTLY how she wants her hair done. Exactly. She was very particular about these things

3. Makeup. Not too light and NOT TOO HEAVY! This also has to be just right.

This woman was amazing. I now know where I get my persnickety attitude about my appearance from 🙂 I can hear her saying these things. Prior to all of this I have actually told Jason that this is my concern about an open casket when I pass. That I wont have final approval. What if they make me look hideous? I don’t want that! What if they do my hair and makeup wrong? No joke this has been a worry since before I saw her detailed notes.

She always loved how I wear flowers in my hair. Tuesday and Wednesday I am going to wear bright flowers in my hair. Not black ones. Bright beautiful ones. She didn’t want a big fuss made over her. She doesn’t want people speaking and only 3 songs played. Not too many photos either. But I think if anyone in this world deserved a huge fuss it is her. We are following her wishes though. I do have one photo I am printing and putting up.

From our baby shower for Jack. I wish we had taken a moment at his first birthday to retake this with him here. But in the chaos of that day I barely got photos with anyone. I do have this though. He was in my round belly and she was so happy to be celebrating with us. I will cherish this photo forever.

I miss her. I think I will always miss her. I love her something awful.

Jason told me if there is an afterlife you know she is somewhere good with her children and husband. I think he is right. If there is one, she is there, enjoying a nice glass of wine, and hugging her babies and husband very tightly.