I know I already posted today but I have to get something off of my chest. Tonight we were hanging out watching Brave. I took Jack to see it in the theaters this summer. Jason was at work so he didn’t get to see it with us. I figured we could have a nice family night watching it all together. I busted out the go-to snack in this house. Frozen grapes. This is how we eat them. I bite one in half. I eat half and Jack gets the other half. He won’t eat them whole and I feel better with him eating only half a frozen grape at a time.

Until tonight. We were sitting together on the couch enjoying the movie and grapes. When he suddenly started choking. I am used to this. He has choked in the past. I immediately stuck my finger in the back of his throat to sweep it out. Assuming I would get it right away, as I have with all other choking incidents.

THIS TIME I COULDN’T FIND IT!!!! I kept sweeping and my finger was just not getting it. I started to panic internally. I decided I needed to smack his back and go from there. He is a big 21 month old so it is not as easy as whipping a baby over to smack their back but  I was in the process when suddenly he started actually screaming. SCREAMING!!! I have never been so happy to hear him cry. Maybe the other time I was that happy to hear cries was right after he came out of me!

I scooped him up, pulled him close, rubbed his back, and told him it was ok. His sobs didn’t stop immediately. Suddenly I started bawling myself. The pure terror and panic that I had kept at bay during the actual crisis came pouring out of me. My husband was sitting in his man chair next to us. He encouraged Jack he was ok. When he saw me he asked if I was ok. I shook my head no. Jack didn’t see me cry. His face was buried in my shoulder and I was still rubbing his back. I have never ever been that scared as a parent. I am proud of myself for keeping it together while I needed to. For not freaking out and for handling getting that grape dislodged. Somehow I did it and  he is  fine. He went back to his happy self a while later. We just sat cuddling watching the movie for 20 minutes.

Then suddenly he kept hugging me. He turned himself around and hugged me tightly. Then pulled back with his face close to mine and just smiled at me. Then he hopped down and went to play. It really shook me though. I was kind of in a stunned phase for a while longer. I was really upset.

He wasn’t choking long. It was a matter of a couple seconds. But the thought did cross my mind that I may not be able to get this out of his throat. When the tears burst from my eyes I thought I could have lost him. He could have choked to death. Which is why I suddenly lost it. That thought makes me sick. His life is so so so precious. I know he is fine now, but when I couldn’t find that grape, I wasn’t exactly sure how the rest was about to play out. Being a parent is truly terrifying if you stop to think about it. Thankfully, I do NOT think about it often. If I did I would be sitting in a big bubble with that little boy. We would never leave. It is a good thing that the sneaky little terrifying thought stays hidden a majority of the time. But when it rears its ugly head, the reality is so brutally honest that it can put you in a funk for the night.  Even though he was perfectly fine, once the ordeal ended.

I am feeling lucky and blessed. I am not an overly spiritual person. I am just not. I won’t get into that. For some reason though, I feel like my Aunt Lor had something to do with this. I am not sure why I feel that way, but the thought occurred to me rather quickly after everything was fine. I still don’t know how it dislodged. As I was pulling him off the couch and going to turn him over it just came out of his throat. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was the angle at which I moved him. Maybe I dug around enough and it just worked itself out and as I moved him it came loose. I don’t know. I will never know. I do know that he is fine, happy, and alive. I am a stronger momma for having dealt with this. I was able to keep myself together when he needed it the most. Then breakdown for a few brief moments when he couldn’t see my face.

I love that little boy and I cannot wait to hug him tomorrow morning!