I am having a very tough time not working out. It will be 3 weeks on Saturday since my last good workout. I feel like time is dragging. I did do a very light post natal Pilates workout on Monday. I didn’t break a sweat and I didn’t exactly feel as if I had worked out. The past several days have been nonstop rainy, so my walks around the neighborhood have stopped as well.

Not working out is torture for me. I don’t enjoy being sedentary at all. I like to move. I like to sweat. I like to feel fit. Right now I mostly feel mushy. I know I just had a baby 2 & 1/2 weeks ago. I know I should cut myself some slack. I know i am nursing and up several times a night. Last night we were up for over two hours at one point because Alexander thought 2-4am was awake party time. I know I am tired. I know the mushiness shouldn’t be at the forefront of my mind right now. Unfortunately it is.

Trying on clothing is miserable. Gross! I know what my body is capable of. I know how I look when I feel my best. This new (and very temporary) body is not my best. I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie downer, but this is the truth. I don’t feel sexy and confident. I feel mushy and slow. I don’t remember being quite so concerned at this point after Jackson. I did start working out regularly at 3 weeks postpartum. But I don’t remember feeling this way. I think because I know I can and will lose the baby weight that I want to jump right back on that train. I did it before, let’s just go ahead and get started. Do it again. I gained a lot less this time. I really only went up a size or two in my pants, depending on the brand and cut. My shirts are basically the same size or a size bigger. My new giant boobs get in the way. So in my fitness obsessed brain, it will take me less time to get back to normal and I just want to start now.

I want to drip with sweat. I want to feel shaky. I want my muscles to ache for a day or two after. I want to feel strong and solid. I want to feel like myself again. I want that rush of exercise induced endorphins.

My weather app says it is supposed to be sunnier this afternoon, so maybe we can squeeze in a walk. I am going to do a different postnatal Pilates workout this morning. As soon as I finish writing this. To give myself a little fix. To help hold myself over for a few more days. Maybe each time I can get more and more intense. I won’t be running a 5k this week, but maybe my arms will be sore tomorrow. Is that too much to ask for?