Archives for category: Breastfeeding

Tomorrow Mr. Alexander will be exactly 12 weeks old. A couple days after Christmas he officially turns 3 months old. In our current state I live my life in hour by hour increments. I am still breastfeeding him and on average he eats every two hours. This is the average time. He has longer spurts and there are even times where he eats in under two hours.


I am always checking my little breastfeeding app. How long has it been? How long-ish do I have? What can I get done before he cries out for me? Can I run to the store and be back in time so my husband isn’t trying to calm a very hungry caterpillar? Can I run to the store with both boys, putting Alex in the Ergo, get our errands done, get him back in the carseat and home without him wanting to eat?


Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is I have lots of time. This afternoon has been one of those times. It is 3 and 1/2 hours and counting since he last ate. He is napping though and well, tick tock.

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There are times where the answer is no and Jackson and I are scrambling to drive home while Alexander is presenting us with his lively chorus of hunger. We live outside of Chicago. It is the end of December. It is in the 30’s. We are all always bundled up and stopping to nurse wherever can be tricky with several layers of clothing on! I have stopped the car a couple times and pulled over, climbed in the backseat or brought him in the front seat to nurse him. Especially when we have been very far from home.


2 hour increments. That is life right now. It isn’t bad. It can be tiring. Say he eats for 20 minutes. I hold him for a little while after and we cuddle. I finally put him down and get up to do something. He decides he is hungry in under 2 hours. The 2 hours begin the moment he began nursing. There are times where I literally have 20 minutes to do something.

With Jackson I lounged around so much. That sweet boy and I would sit on the couch all day, drifting in and out of sleep and breastfeeding. Sometimes when Alexander is nursing I am thinking about how much I have to do and is he even done yet?? There is SO much laundry, toys everywhere, dishes galore, and I need to do something about some of it. I put him in a contraption much more often than I did Jackson. Sigh. The poor second child. I feel so guilty sometimes. But things have to be tidied up or we will be living in filth. I have to wash and dry laundry or we will run out of things to wear, and did I mention it is winter? Jackson needs to poop and needs me to wipe him. Jackson wants something to drink. Jackson wants to cuddle with momma.

2 hour increments. They really do fly by. There is no way it can be time to eat again already? Oh look, my app says it has been 1 hour and 58 minutes, so it CAN be time to eat again. Where did those two hours go? I swore I just finished nursing. I still have more dishes to load.

Then there are those moments at 3am, because he wakes up at 3am like clockwork. He stops nursing and I am holding him in my arms. He is sound asleep, ready for me to gently place him in his crib. I take a moment to breathe him in. I resist kissing his sweet little mouth because I don’t want to wake him. I settle for his little fingers instead. I try to focus on his sweet cherub face with what little light there is in his room. Those cheeks are so full. He looks so peaceful and content. He has really filled out since being born. His cheeks are so squishy. I see a little double chin. I know under his sleep sack and jammies there are two thighs that have several little rolls in them. His new jammies are 6 months.

I did that. In 2 hour increments, I did that. For now, those moments bring me back to what really matters. 2 hour increments can really accomplish more than I imagine.


I am getting ready to head back into the world of all things baby and newborn. I really haven’t been there for 3 years. I have been so consumed with toddlerhood lately that my focus on what is going on in the world of infants was non existent. I know a lot can change in just 3 years, so I have been familiarizing myself with things.

In particular I have started to focus on all the breastfeeding news out there. I nursed Jacky for over a year. I didn’t pump. It was all me all the time. I have to admit that I am afraid to get into that again this time. I will have an almost 4 year old by the time this one comes around. An almost  4 year old that is a HUGE momma’s boy. So my attention to sitting around with a baby on my boob all day might not be quite so easy to navigate. Which has given me some apprehension and nervousness, hence the constant reading of all news breastfeeding. I am not sure what that will change, but I am a Historian and slightly (a lot) type-A, so reading and researching is in my blood (or brain or neuroses).

As usual I am appalled by the amount of backlash nursing moms get for nursing in public. Most recently the whole Delta Airlines scandal caught my attention and my utter disgust. I got into a lengthy debate on my Facebook over it. I am in the camp of a mom should be able to nurse when/where/how she wants. Bottom line. There is no wiggle room on this for me. I am a staunch advocate for that.

Here is why:

With Jack I was terrified of facing criticism from people in public. I spent a good amount of time ALONE nursing him. In bathrooms, bedrooms, corners, where ever. I regret it. I did do it in public from time to time. By the time he was around  5 months old and we were in the SUMMER at that point, a cover was unacceptable for him. He hated it. I hid a lot. I spent a lot of lonely time while out and about trying to find somewhere no would be offended by me. How absurd is that? Offended by feeding an infant? Hindsight is 20/20. I remember sitting there feeding him for the millionth time. Alone, wishing I had someone to talk to. Listening to the laughter in another room from other people. Scrolling my phone hoping something distracting and hilarious popped up on my Facebook feed so I too could laugh. Often, it did not happen.

At the time I didn’t think to myself “I will never be this way again.” No. It didn’t come until I started my Type-A reading being pregnant this time. The feelings of loneliness came flooding back. I can definitely say I won’t be lonely again. Not that I think Jack will allow me to. When I say he is a momma’s boy, that is an understatement. I doubt I will get the opportunity to nurse privately. I won’t miss out on things with him for that. I won’t miss soccer games because someone thinks I should sit in a nasty port a potty and feed this little one. No. It won’t be happening this time.

As I have grown as a parent with Jack I have gained confidence. My parenting style has developed over the last 3 years. We are very upfront with Jack about all things. I talk to him like he is an adult. I explain things to him like he is an adult. I have explained the benefits of fiber on the digestive system. I have explained how protein helps grow his muscles. I tell him his penis is his penis. I have a vagina. He asked “One day you will have your own penis?” “Oh no sweetheart. I am a girl and girl’s have vaginas and boys, like you, have penises.” I have explained what boobs are and what they are for when he pushed mine and said “what are these?” A few days later he asked if he could have some milk from them. I laughed so hard because that ocean dried up a long time ago. I told him it was all gone. I am honest with him. I didn’t think when I was dreaming of having babies that this was how I would approach subjects with my kids. That came as the questions started flooding in. I can be honest and he can learn from me or I can sugar coat and give cutesy names and he learns even worse and derogatory names from his peers. I want him to learn from his dad and me. So that is my approach on parenting. What does that have to do with nursing? When someone says “but think of the CHILDREN!” regarding nursing in public, I want to scream! I absolutely want to tear my hair out and say “what about the children? That is what our breasts are for! To feed babies and we should be honest and open about that. This isn’t a lingerie runway show. This is nourishing a helpless infant.” It makes me crazy to hear that argument. I would rather my kids know what boobs are for and have the respect for what women are capable of than learning from their friends that these are”tits” and are just sexual. Not in my house. Not in my family. They will have honest communication about these things.

Jack has given me the best gift he could have over these last 3 years. The confidence in my parenting styles and techniques when it matters most. I am not perfect. I have bursts of frustration and lose my shit and yell at him. But when it matters, with things like this, I feel a lot more confident than I did 3 years ago. I will stand up for my kids. I will nurse where I want to, when I want to, and how I want to. All that matters is what is right for me and the baby and my little family unit. Not what someone at the table over thinks. Look away if it is so bothersome to see a baby eating. I have said it before and I will say it again. I don’t want to watch someone stuffing their face with McDonalds. That makes ME sick and uncomfortable. I can’t throw a fit if I see someone doing that in public though. No. But someone can do that about an infant drinking milk his/her mom is working so hard to produce? Come on. Priorities people.

I came across this lovely article on the HuffPost (I really enjoy them!) A restaurant manager wrote about how they will never tell a mom to stop nursing at his restaurant. It is what reignited my passion for this today. It is a great read. I couldn’t help but think as I read it that the person complaining about a baby is the exact person that would complain about all of the other things they complained about. Chicken not being crispy enough! Maybe I am hardline on this. Maybe I come off as militant. Oh well. If you choose and are able to nurse, then legally you have the right to do it where/when/how you want. You shouldn’t be marginalized because you chose that over formula. I would never scoff at a mom feeding her baby formula. We all have our reasons for our choices when it comes to that, but we should support one another. We shouldn’t make each other hide in a dirty bathroom to feed our babies. No matter the medium we have chosen to nourish those tiny ones.


The past couple of days have brought a lot of changes in my toddler world. He is really growing up. Quickly. Each day I cannot believe how much more he understands and can communicate than the day before. At this point, I barely notice how big he is because physical growth is overshadowed by his cognitive development. I am in love and fully fascinated.

It all started on Thursday. We were playing upstairs, where the bedrooms are. We also have an open loft up there. We happened to be in Jack’s room. I looked over and noticed he was moving the rocking chair that was next to his crib. The very rocking chair I sat in day after day, night after night, nursing him for over a year. The very chair I spent too many sleepless nights rocking him and singing to him over and over. He was pushing it out of the way because he wanted to play in that area.

in my way mom!

in my way mom!

I thought, “huh, that is very smart of him” I helped him move it a bit more, of course. I even ran to my room to grab a sheet. I built him a fort. In hindsight, this probably sealed the deal for him. He loved the fort. We played together for a while inside of it. He finally said, “mom, out” and pushed me towards the exit! I couldn’t believe it. He then played in there alone for some time. The fort was taken down for naptime because it was partly draped over his crib. Thursday nights are one of my “school” nights. So I was gone. The boys hung out upstairs too. Jack moved that footstool to the rocker all the way from his room to our room. Pushed it. Well, there is a sign if I ever saw one.

On Friday we were back upstairs playing. I was in my room, while he played in his. He was rather quiet, which means I need to find him. He was in that corner again, playing quietly. He looked up at me and gave me the biggest grin ever. Sigh, I knew the rocker was on its way out.

Yesterday my aunt dropped off this amazing train table that was my cousin’s. She doesn’t play with it anymore, she is a big girl now. It is huge! There wasn’t room in our living room for it, especially with the tree up. We placed it in the family room, as we call it. It is really a room off the kitchen we don’t use for anything purposeful. It is out of sight of the living room though. Jack kept wanting to climb on the table. He could not be coaxed away from it. Our dining room is attached to the living room. They are separated by 2 steps and a banister. We decided to switch rooms. We rarely use the dining room table these days. Sadly, I have to admit that. Jack won’t eat at the table. He likes to eat in the living room while watching a show. He is a picky eater, so he has won that battle, because I am at least getting him to eat!

Jack's new playroom

Jack’s new playroom

Also, we are moving soon. Today we are looking at 3 houses. One is a home we are in love with. It is the 2nd viewing. The other two are new for us. One is at the top of our budget and the other is at the low end. The one we love is in the middle. We decided we are moving very soon, who cares if we switch up the layout of the house and it is a little odd looking for the next couple months? We should have made this switch months ago. We can still eat at that table, it is off of the kitchen! This actually makes a ton more sense. He was in heaven. I am working on rearranging a few more things.

Back to his room. I went upstairs after all this train table stuff. I wanted to get rid of his ball pit. He NEVER uses it. It became another toy storage bin. I know he likes the balls, so I was going to save those, but I was going to deflate the ball pit. As soon as it was empty he jumped in it and tried to stand up. He is too tall. A light bulb went off. My mom gave him a tent/tunnel set last Christmas. I ran to get the tent. I set it up, in the corner where he had moved his rocker. I moved the rocker, that chair I am so attached to, out of his room, for good. I put the tent where the chair had been. He was in love. In Heaven. ELATED. Jason even brought him his dinner and he ate in his tent. He couldn’t stop talking about it or playing in it. It took a lot to coax him downstairs so I could go make and eat my dinner.

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I texted my mom these photos. Telling her how sad I was. I was really sad. A part of his babyhood is gone. He is truly a big boy. He will be 2 in two more months, two months that always FLY by because of the holidays. He has opinions. He has wants and likes. I told my mom I was sad, but it is his room and he should be able to decorate it how he wants. She replied that I am a good mom. That made my heart warm. I was doing something that may have hurt me because it made him happy. I can’t force him to stay a baby. I have to let that go. I have to let him become a child and let him express himself. I know that he left infancy long behind, but I have used that rocker a time or two lately. Mostly when he was starting to get sick. I do sit in it and read to him before bed. But last night, we all read a tickle monster story together. With us on the floor, and Jack running around  being chased by Jason and getting tickled. We didn’t need that rocker. HE didn’t need that rocker. You know who needed it? Me. I am the only person that missed it. But, that would not be fair of me to force infancy on him for my own nostalgic needs. So I am letting go. I am saying goodbye to one of the last pieces of his infancy. I do it with some bittersweet feelings. I am crushed that he wants to grow up but I am also very proud of him. I am proud that he was able to express this to me. That I was able to understand the needs of my child. I didn’t ignore it for my own selfish reasons. I picked up on the clues, and signals. I didn’t tell him “put that chair back! That is naughty” I knew he wasn’t up to something naughty. I knew he just wanted to play in his space in his room.

It is a good thing that I am going to be working soon. He is only growing more independent every day. I cannot imagine what I would do once he was off to school and there I was sitting around thinking “what do I do now? Who am I? I was a stay at home mom to a toddler, and now he is in school? What do I do?!?!” I know that is what would happen to me. I am happy that I am working on something for me. Not that I am unhappy being home with him, I love being the person to care for him. I am sticking to very part time teaching at first because of that. As he enters school I will add more and more hours. Mostly during his school time. That is for another post though.

I let go this week. I let him grow. I let him explore. It was hard in some ways and easy in others. The table move was simple. The rocking chair, not so simple. I have let go of so many other things from infancy. Some have been tough and others have gone unnoticed because being a mom is nonstop action. This one was a tough one. Likely, because these things are less and less these days. It is a species near extinction.

Have you had to let go of something from infancy? What were your moments that were bigger like this? Did you feel like leaving infancy totally was a species near and then in extinction? Have you been able to let go of a baby routine that became more for you than your child? 

I have gotten my average mile time to well under 10 minutes. Depending on the day it has been from about 9:15-9:34ish.

Yesterday I ran 3 miles with an average of a 9:24 mile. It was (and still is today) incredibly windy out. It has been sounding like Santa has been landing on my roof for two days now.

When Jason got home I went for a run. I didn’t really want to run. I had a million reasons why I could skip it. How incredibly windy it was outside was on that list. But I finally decided that I should just do it.

I won’t be running today because I have my ballet class. Tomorrow I have an eyebrow appointment at 6. I can go after but it all depends on how hungry my boys are. (For some unknown reason they expect dinner every single day. 😉 Crazy dudes!) Thursday I will run. Friday possibly in the morning, if I have time. I am being picked up around 11 to head to my friend’s wedding for the weekend. I am a Bridesmaid. Saturday who knows. I am still not sure how early hair and makeup will start. Sunday, well I will likely be a bit hungover and I am sure it will be a total no workout day. So I knew I had few chances to definitely get a good run in this week. I had to just do it, regardless of how lazy I was feeling. I did a Core Power Boost workout in the morning before Jack woke up. So this was my 2nd work out of the day.

Like I stated, it was windy! I had some Naked juice shortly before running. I was starving and needed something in my system. So during this run I was fighting the wind and I cramped up pretty quickly since I had drank that juice. As I ran across the boardwalk area that gets very close to the lake I run around, I was hit by a wave of water! YES! The wind was so strong it picked the water up and hit me with it. My left side was pretty wet. My ear phone wouldn’t stay in right because even the inside of my ear got wet. It was nuts.

Despite all of the obstacles I had going against me I managed a 9:24 pace. Not too bad. I was certain I would have a 10 minute pace when I was almost home.

I am working on getting it down closer to 9 flat. I would LOVE to break into the 8 minute pace. But one thing at a time. I am sure I can drop 15 seconds soon enough. I hope to have done that by the end of the summer.

I have no reason to want to do this other than for myself. I am not trying to lead any of the races I run. There is no one pushing me to run faster. I just want to. Plain and simple. I feel like it is this battle against myself. I can run over 3 miles without stopping or walking. I know I can run 5 miles without stopping as well. I did that at the 8k. I know I am strong enough to do these things. I keep telling myself that, even with a stabbing cramp in my left side. Hell, I gave birth with my epidural only working on half of my body. I didn’t scream once. I barely complained. I calmly said once “I don’t like this at all.” I just focused and did it. I can run faster and I can run longer each time I run.

I used to classify myself as a runner. Then I got knocked up and around 7 months I had to stop because his head made my bladder go nutso when I ran. Then I gave birth and nursed for a year. I ran a bit over the summer and into the fall but not like I used to. I had given up the idea that I was a runner. I didn’t do it enough to feel I deserved that title any longer. I did other workouts, mostly at home. So I stayed fit and in shape, but I was missing the running. I am so happy to have gotten back my self appointed title. I have found time for myself. I have remembered that it is ok to be who I am, even though I have a new title (momma). It is good to have time for myself doing something I love to do. I got lost there for a little while. So consumed with my infant. But once toddlerhood began I woke up a little. It is ok to have time apart from him. Even if it is just 28 minutes of a run at 6 in the evening. Yesterday when I walked in the door, and had been gone only about 29 minutes, his face lit up! Being missed is a good feeling and so is running nonstop until you get home to that chubby little face that missed you so.

Tomorrow night I am finally getting out of the house, to a pilates studio, and going to a class! I haven’t done a class outside of the house since the night I went into labor with Jack! That was my prenatal swim class. I decided since we are done nursing it is time for me to get back into things for myself. I have the time now. Most importantly I won’t feel worried the entire time. Wondering if he is hungry, watching the clock. Or scrambling before leaving to make sure he nurses close enough to my departing time. I can just go, enjoy myself, relax, and get a good workout. It starts at 7pm. Jack often goes to be around 8. Since I don’t nurse him to sleep I don’t have to worry about rushing home. Jason can handle bedtime all on his own if necessary.

I signed up for a Barre class. It is a mix of ballet and pilates apparently. I have not taken this specific class before. I have taken pilates classes before. I do pilates at home. I have taken a couple ballet classes. I thought the combo could be interesting. I decided to start with this class because the elements are something familiar. I am looking for a place to go weekly. There are two pilates studios near my home. I plan to check them both out.

I still feel a little guilty about leaving and doing my own thing but I have to get past that or accept it. I think I have started to understand momma guilt never really leaves. I am home with him all day. We do a million things together. Yesterday we went to Gymboree Play class, he sort of napped for about an hour after, then we ate lunch, went grocery shopping (a long leisurely trip), we stopped at the park for a few minutes after shopping, we played with cars and trucks, we cuddled and both fell asleep until Dada got home, then after dinner we all had family play/reading time. I mean we do a lot together! It is ok for the both of us if I go do something alone for an hour once a week. Right?!?!?

I was hoping to make it to music class this morning, but Jack tends to sleep in late. Usually after 9. Class starts at 9:15 and it is about 20-30 minutes away. I may have to cancel Gymboree music and join a music class through our park district that starts later on Thursdays. I hate to do it because I LOVE the Gymboree family, but the music 1 classes just don’t work with our schedule! Oh poo!



I recall a season when I had a lot of time to get posts written. I was tired and nearly delirious from lack of sleep at night, but man did that baby sleep a lot during the day! This meant if I wasn’t also napping I had more free time to write. I don’t have that free time anymore! He does nap once a day for 2 hours at least. But that first hour I use for my workout and the 2nd is assorted other things.

I have begun a number of posts earlier in the morning without finishing because Jack wakes up before I am done. I have saved them all, perhaps one day I will finish those and post them! (That is funny!)

Jack is 1. Well heading into 13 months at this rate. In less than 2 weeks he will be 13 months! He is amazing and wonderful. He has me in awe daily. He has started to show his stubborn personality as well. I don’t think either of us is surprised or confused about that. If you know my husband and myself you know we are two of the most stubborn people around. We are very like minded though, which is why it works for us. Sometimes I have to laugh at Jack’s temper because I see myself. I try to not laugh too much, as I don’t want to totally encourage it. But sometimes it is just too funny. He is a mini me! MINI ME!

Jack's "mommy face" as my hubby calls it

Mini Me and well me!

We are all done nursing. For over a week now we have been completely done. Let me tell you, I have been enjoying wine and other assorted beverages. Naturally when there is someone else or other people around. No getting hammered during the day by myself! Ha! It sure is nice to be able to share a bottle of wine with my hubby. I know some say drinking while nursing is ok and safe but I was never really comfortable enough with the idea to have more than a few sips once or twice.We all make our parenting choices and that was mine. Not saying it is the only way to operate or knocking anyone who sees it differently. I sure drank a great deal of coffee while nursing. I am addicted to it 🙂 We are all different!

It went surprisingly well, weaning. I did it over one week. That wasn’t too bad because we had essentially been down to 3 nursing sessions a day. I had one bad attitude day from him. The 2nd day. But he got over it and it went unnoticed on his part for the rest of the week and stopping the rest of the nursings! I was a little sad he didn’t notice. I was sad that it was over. But at the same time I am enjoying not feeling worried if I go to the store or a bridal shower without him. I can! My hubby is completely capable of keeping him fed, watered, and alive.

My home gym keeps coming along. I added a step for more aerobic dvd’s. I love it. I went running twice this weekend. February has been incredibly mild in Chicago. Excellent running weather. I decided since I didn’t have to wait around for Jack to get up before I do things so I can nurse him, I went running both days. Jason home with him. It felt amazing.

This week I am working on a Skinny Ms. Challenge. Not a month long one. Maybe soon I will work up to that. Just a 7 day Abs Challenge I started yesterday. I found it to be rather easy. A little tough at the end because I was tired. I had just run 3.2 miles before I started my ab work. The reverse crunches, all 50, were a little hard too. Over all not too bad though. Today I will do Monday’s, obviously. I will write (I hope…) about this all once I am done. My guess is my abs feel kind of fried next Saturday!

That is a brief update. I have a million other things going on, but I should tend to them now.

Are you on Pinterest? Follow me there, I will follow you back too! I am obsessed. That takes up a lot of my internet time…oops! 🙂

I think I need to be talked off the ledge. The quitting breastfeeding ledge. I am fairly certain I either have about 4 or 5 clogged ducts or I am developing mastitis again. This time on the left side. I am in excruciating pain. At times the entire left side of my upper body hurts. I don’t have any flu symptoms this time though. There may be a red splotch but I also just tried pumping (rather unsuccessfully) and I have been massaging it.

Jack is 9 months old. I have never given him any formula. He has been strictly breastfed and now his solids. But he is always a fan of nursing and getting his milk. I want to go until a year but I am just tired and feeling particularly stressed about dealing with this now. Our household was sick for nearly a month. We all had various viruses. We are finally feeling better and getting back into our routine and now THIS? What? Why can’t I just have a few weeks of not feeling like crap? I know there are worse things in the world but I am having a why me moment! I am and I admit it. I just don’t feel like dealing with it. Is that selfish? Sure. But it really hurts. My boob is even shaped differently than normal. It feels as if there is a solid cylinder in there. Too much info? Perhaps, but if you have never had mastitis or clogged ducts you have no idea how it feels.

I have let Jack nurse the last two nursings on the left side. Before bed and then to try to settle him around 11pm when he woke up screaming. Turns out he had some gas. No help, no relief.

I just tried pumping. First thing in the morning. He is still asleep. I didn’t even manage to get an ounce out. I wasn’t striving to get a full bag of milk. I had no expectation of that. I just wanted to help get something out to relieve this pain. That did not happen.

So I think I need to be talked of the ledge. Because as of this moment I want to throw in the towel. I know that I will be angry at myself later if I give up now, but it is hard to see past the stabbing feeling I am experiencing as I just sit here upright, typing.

Jackson has his 9-month well visit today. We are seeing the nurse practitioner, whom I love! I think I am going to talk with her about this. I have a feeling she will talk me down. She has a way of just explaining things so well. She always makes me feel awesome when I leave there. Even if I am having a good day already. She is so encouraging.

But extra support from stepping back off the ledge is always helpful. Jason says if I do decide to give up now we will get through it as a family. That I have done an amazing job already. I am trying to tell myself that. But a little thing about me, I have incredible mom guilt. I always want to make sure I am doing my best for Jackson. I am a bit of a perfectionist with most aspects of my life. I have always been hard on myself and the mothering department is no exception.

For example, lately I have been giving Jack instant oatmeal. Plain instant oats, instead of old fashioned ones, cooking that, then putting it in trays, freezing it, then defrosting it each morning. Instant oats are the same just less work when I have a 9 month old demanding his cereal. I feel SO guilty that I am taking the easy way out. I still make all of his food. Last night I prepared fresh for him this zucchini, yellow squash, and tomato puree. I served it over turkey with some cheddar/jack cheese. Along with whole grain all natural Italian bread. On the menu to make today, homemade whole grain banana bread, probably some broccoli, sweet potato fries, and maybe these broccoli cheddar baked fries…from scratch. But I still feel guilty that each morning I microwave his oatmeal and then mix it with homemade apple sauce or pears or plums etc. Which I am aware is ridiculous of me. The kid eats like a king constantly. I work very hard to keep track of and prepare all of this food for him.  I am just kind of hard on myself with the mom guilt. My mom told me to not feel guilty about the oatmeal, that I do so well with his food. But this morning when I am getting his food ready I will feel just a tinge of guilt. I know it!

I know down the road I will be mad at myself. Oh, so that should make the decision easy, right? Don’t quit then! No, because as I sit here, even after taking advil, it feels like the pain is getting worse. My energy to deal with it is non-existent.

So here is my ledge rant. I want to  be done and just not deal with this right this second. I want to feel good for a while before dealing with the next crappy feeling moment. I don’t think that is too much to ask, but perhaps I am wrong.


I came across a post on Facebook from What To Expect. They were asking how you deal with making your child give up their “lovey.” This really bothers me. I have been noticing over the past 8 1/2 months that all of this parenting advice is heavily focused on how to make your child do this or that. “Make your child sleep through the night” “Make your child give up their lovey” “Make your child behave better” “Follow this fool proof method to make your child ______” “What you’re doing wrong when it comes to _____” etc etc etc. It goes on and on and there is probably an article for every single situation imaginable.

Why do we have to force or make our children do things like this? Why can’t we let nature take its course a bit? Jackson normally sleeps through the night. I did not try any method. I did not force him to do things. I just got up with him each time he woke until he started just sleeping through the night. He just did it on his own. Two nights ago he woke up around 11:30pm. I went in there I tried to rub him and give him his binky. It didn’t work. I tried to rock him. It calmed him until I went to put him in bed. So then I nursed him. That worked. It is what he needed and wanted at the  moment. He then rolled on his side and cuddled with his blue elephant with his binky in his mouth. These things are what he needed to feel safe and comfortable enough to sleep. Last night he did not wake up in the middle of the night at all. He obviously needed me that particular night. If I were following some ridiculous method I would have deprived him of that need.

Why do we have to focus on how we can CHANGE what these babies need to feel comfort? Why is there such a focus on the parents controlling what makes a baby happy? Why can’t we just adjust to what actually makes the baby happy? Especially when they are babies and toddlers.

I understand down the road my teenage son is going to want to do something that I disagree with, like perhaps staying out all night. Then we can have a rational conversation. I can explain my views on it and while he may claim to hate me and that I am awful, he is capable of later understanding why I did what I did. As babies and toddlers they will never rationalize the situation. All they feel is that someone they trust took away something they need to feel safe.

I had a “lovey.” I never called it that and I never recall my parents calling it that. It was my doll. I named her baby. I had her well into my adolescence. The only reason I stopped sleeping with her was because my brother and I got into a tug of war over her. It resulted in my well loved doll being decapitated. She had been sewn and repaired countless times. This time I just didn’t ask my mom to fix her. I have to point out, my brother and I have a 7 year age difference. He was old enough at this point to fight me for a toy. So I had to at least be around 9. My parents never made me feel silly for having my doll. There was never any pressure to give her away. It was never even mentioned. Why should it be? Why can’t  I have a favorite toy? I was ready at that point to move on. I just didn’t ask for her to be repaired. I came to terms with it on my own time.

Much like me Jackson seems to come to terms with things on his own. I don’t plan to force him to do things. At lunch time lately he refuses to eat much of his food. I have chicken in it. He seems to not care for chicken. We are working on it slowly. I get a few bites in and he pushes my hand away. He always nurses first. He is getting his nutrition from that. So if he really refuses it I let it go and we move on. If he were starving he would eat it. I don’t want him to feel that eating is a stressful thing. Eventually he will enjoy chicken. It is a big difference from fruits and veggies. Today I am giving him a break. No chicken with lunch.

There is little point trying to conquer a baby. I think it is awful. I wont force chicken down his throat in an all out lunch time war, just like I won’t take away his blue elephant and I likely wont make a big deal about his binky. There is limited amount of time in life to just be little. I am going to let him be little.


The past couple of runs have been a bit rough. My allergies tend to be bad in the fall. I believe it is the ragweed. The last 3 runs have been bad. Between my allergies and pushing the stroller and baby, I get winded quickly. I am limited on what allergy meds I can take because of nursing. I was telling my hubby on our Saturday run/walk that I am looking forward to next fall when I can take my good meds and breathe easy. Sometimes I feel like I am a football player with having to push about 45lbs while running. I even repeat to myself “dig dig dig” when we are heading up a hill. How lame! HA! It is certainly not easy to jog with your baby. It is fun and incredibly rewarding. However, it is tough, hard work, and can leave you exhausted and sore. It is kind of like mommahood in general!

I have come to a final decision regarding nursing. I am feeling good about it. I am going to nurse him until he is a year. Then I will stop. I am not sure how I will go about weaning. I do not want to ever give him formula. That is my goal. He tends to be rather flexible with eating. He enjoys eating. We feel that he won’t reject regular milk when we begin giving it to him after a year. I may stop cold turkey and try the cabbage in the bra trick. I had considered nursing longer than a year. I was recently thinking that overall I will be ready. A year is phenomenal! 6 months is phenomenal! I am nearly at 8 months and I fully believe I will make it to a year. I think my milk supply was dropping a bit but I have been taking some Fenugreek, and it has been helping. So with dedication I think I will make it to a year.

It was a hard decision to come by. I know I have time. With the holidays though things will fly. He will be a year on February 4th. Halloween is around the corner, then Thanksgiving hits you, and after Thanksgiving you blink and Christmas is here! My hubby’s birthday is in the beginning of January and I will be planning Jacks first birthday extravaganza (I am serious about that, I have already begun planning it. I think I am more obsessed with this than our wedding) So I came to the decision now. I will be ready for us as a family to move on. My husband and I need to spend some more time together. Since Jack has been born we have gone on 4 dates alone. Two being this week. I love doing things as a family. LOVE IT. If push comes to shove I prefer us all going out and doing things together. But sometimes it is nice for us to get out just the two of us. Not often and not for anything crazy, but for example we went to eat and bowling. Last night we went to a real sit down restaurant. Which we have not done since he was about two or three months old.

I am not saying I want to get away from him. I had a miserable time for the first part of our date because Jackson had a fit when I was leaving. My dad finally said, “Go, you coming back in here over and over is making it worse. He will be fine, just go!” I obliged, heavyhearted, and we headed to the bowling alley.  My mom finally texted me and said he was happy and even sent me a smiling photo of him. Separation anxiety is hard on me too! I felt awful for leaving him so upset. I did say good bye, I didn’t sneak off, which was hard, but I did it.We are rarely apart, once in a while, I am told, it is good for both of us! HA! So at a year I will be ready as I can be for us as a family to move on to the next step. I will still be emotional about it all. Between nursing ending and him turning a year, I will be a wreck. I started crying yesterday talking about it! I asked my hubby to be patient and understanding in February. It will be a bittersweet month. I love that child more than I can even express. My whole world revolves around him. Every move I make depends on his needs.

I talked about this all with Jason and my parents yesterday. They all agreed that it is ok for me to be ready to move on when he is a year. That it is good for me to have more flexibility. That someone can watch him overnight without us worrying about his feeding schedule. He has never spent the night anywhere but with me and Jason. As a collective family we feel confident that this is the best decision for us.It was nice to have their unconditional support.

I am not sure if some people would consider this decision selfish. Those I know do not. I am sure there are some die hard BF advocates that may. But I try to not judge the decisions other moms make, unless they are downright abusive, so I hope I receive the same respect. It was a tough decision to come to. I have been thinking about this for a few months. I feel I will be ready to move on then. I am feeling good about it. I stared out on this journey just wanting to give it a shot. Then I wanted to go at least 3 months, then I wanted to go at least 6 months. Then once I got close to 6 months I thought I can do this for a year!

It feels good to have finally reached a final goal and decision. I was on the fence for a while but something in my heart this week just told me that this is the best choice for us all. That I will be ready to go on to the next adventure in our lives together. I am feeling good about this all!

I created a Facebook page for my blog! If you are a Facebook person and want to follow me on there please “like” my little page. I post my blogs there but I also post links and such I come across. Some things I don’t have enough to say about to warrant an entire blog post. So I will post the link with a few thoughts.I decided to do it this way so that if people actually are interested in my thoughts they can like the page. This way friends of mine who really don’t care about fitness and such are not always inundated with my blog links, fitness links, breastfeeding links, etc.

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