There’s no easy way for me to open this post. I have nothing clever or witty to say. My heart is heavy and broken. Just before midnight on Tuesday, August 12th, my dear grandma passed away. My parents called me a few minutes to midnight to let me know. Sleep was impossible. I physically felt nauseated. I had to sit up in bed for quite sometime. Crying. My mind and heart simply would not settle down. 

I am going to start off with sharing what I had to get off my chest after 1am that night. I posted it on Facebook. 

“It’s not going to be a good day. splat said. Not a good day at all. Seymore shook his head”
I suppose it’s only fitting that a quote from a book, even one of Jackson’s, is what keeps running through my head tonight. As I try to sort through my utter and profound grief over losing a woman I so deeply love. A woman who had a large part in helping shape the bookworm I still am to this very day. A woman who took me to the library more times than I can remember. Who let me climb her tree with my books in tow and sit up there reading. Who often shared with me stories about the books she was reading. My grandma. And every time I’ve tried to close my eyes to get some rest I just keep hearing that line:
“It’s not going to be a good day. Not a good day at all.”

That quote truly kept running through my mind. Over and over and over. My grandma was all of those things to me, but she was more than that as well. I literally have thousands of memories buried deep within my subconscious. I spent SO much time with her as a child and as an adult. I even lived with her for almost 2 years in late teens early 20’s. I moved in with her and my grandpa a few months before I turned 20 and moved out a few before I turned 22. I had countless sleepovers at their home as a little girl. We were close. 

I can’t even sort through everything that I am feeling or remembering right now. I still feel overwhelmed. I have cried a lot. I have also gone out of my way to stay as busy as I can. Despite my husband’s pleas that I take it easy since I am 8 1/2 months pregnant. I prefer to be busy. The quiet moments are when the tears come. I couldn’t even do my normal routine of quietly relaxing while drinking my coffee this morning. I had to write. 

I am not an overly religious person. I suppose, though, I do believe in forces in the world around us. Meaningful moments. Strange occurrences. Coincidences exactly when you need them. Yesterday on my drive home from my Grandpa’s I put on a Spotify shared/public playlist. It is called Coping with Loss. I simply hit shuffle. The song from Fievel came on first. Somewhere Out There. I had no idea that song was even on the playlist. I saw the first two song titles and thought “eh, sounds like it might be ok.” And decided to give it a shot. My mom and I watched that movie and loved the song when I was little. We sang it for my Grandma. She was so in love with my performance and my enjoyment of that movie she went and bought me the stuffed animal. A large Fievel. I watched that movie A LOT at her home. I have vivid memories of that and that song. So it hit me intensely that it was the first song to come on simply by hitting shuffle. Those quiet moments alone bring some overwhelming emotions. 

I know she is resting now. The last thing I said to her before I left on Tuesday night around 7:30 was “Goodbye Grandma. Get some rest. I will be back tomorrow.” I suppose she listened to me. She peacefully went while sleeping. She went to get her rest. 

Christmas Eve 2013

October 2012

My Grandpa died. There I said it on here. It has been over a week since he passed. He passed March 9th around 4am. He had been in ICU for over a week. He fought a long and hard battle with Emphysema (COPD). I haven’t absorbed it yet. We had the wake and funeral last week. A week ago tomorrow, actually. I haven’t cried as much as I thought I would.

My mom is pretty upset. I think I have been trying to stay strong for her. Jack has kept me permanently distracted.  A 2 year old is good for that. I have to say, he was an angel through all of this. He spent two days at the hospital with us all. He spent the weekend out and about making arrangements  He spent two days at a wake and funeral. Missing his naps. We recevied tons of compliments on how well behaved our TWO year old is! Jack was perfect.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep right away because I started thinking about him. I didn’t cry. I thought about moments together. Like the summer I sat in the hospital with him for 12 hours a day while he recovered from a collapsed lung. I didn’t have summer school because I was transitioning between schools at the time. Heading off to Loyola in the fall. I was the only one who had that free time. We didn’t want him to be alone too much. I fed him. I made sure he drank water. I spoke to his doctors and nurses to relay any messages to my mom and aunts. I talked to him. Reminded him that in a year he had a wedding to be well for, mine! Mostly I sat there reading and napping while he slept. This was about 6 years ago.

I started thinking about how proud he always was of me, Jason, and Jack. How he beamed over his GREAT grandson. Then I started thinking if I ever have another baby he will have no clue. Jack is the only great grandchild he would ever know. Even when my brothers and cousins have babies…..

I eventually settled down. I am perplexed as to why I haven’t sobbed. It still feels unreal I suppose. I have to explain about my grandpa. He was a fighter. There were many times we received calls that he was doing poorly. Think back to that summer I described! Yet, he hung on for 6 more years. March 8th my mom called me early to tell me the hospital called her and my aunts in at 5am. Telling them his vitals dropped. When they arrived they said he had an hour to live. I was distraught. There was no way I could get there in time. I had been there Thursday night and the previous Sunday, but still! I wanted to be there. Jason was downtown, 30 miles away. Jack was fast asleep. Jason offered to come home but we figured by the time he got home Jack would be up anyway. I got to the hospital around 11. Grandpa had woken up in between the dr’s claims and my arrival. He spoke to everyone. He went back to sleep, but didn’t pass. As a matter of fact, he waited nearly another 24 hours to pass! Take that doctors! I had told Jason earlier on  Thursday, “Grandpa is scrappy. This might not be the end at all.” I believed it. And even Jason pointed out “See, they gave him an hour and here we are hours later and he is still alive! He is scrappy!!! Don’t rush to the hospital!” I still rushed but Jason was right. My brother went on to tell me a story at the Wake. I may not relay it correctly but it went along these lines. He was telling his friend about how Grandpa always pulls through. After Thursday he said something similar to what I said, without us knowing it! He said, “He was supposed to die a long time ago. I don’t know that this is the end, he may pull through!” After he passed my brother used his humor to deal with it. He was again speaking to his friend. His friend asked about the services.  Dan said something along the lines of “I don’t know, I still think he may pull through.” Initially his friend didn’t get it, but Dan explained he was building on his previous statement. It is true. Which is why I don’t think I have cried. I feel like I am still going to get that call from my mom “Grandpa is fine. They are releasing him. You don’t have to drive out here.”  My Grandpa didn’t give up easily.

I just feel like I am in this weird reality. It doesn’t make sense that he is gone. I cannot fathom it. I am not sure when it will hit me. I hope I don’t have a total public meltdown. A meltdown at home is fine though!

This past fall my grandpa asked me to arrange a photoshoot with him and all of this grandkids. I managed to pull it off. Getting us all in one place at one time. We are a wild bunch. This isn’t a perfect photo. Grandpa is smiling though. It is candid. We are all over the place. I actually printed an 11×14 poster of this. It is hanging near my kitchen/dining room. I love this photo so much. I will miss him. I will miss bringing him room sprays, per his request, and arguing that he doesn’t have to pay me back! He was on a fixed budget. I am not! I can afford a couple room sprays from Yankee Candle or Bath and Body Works. I am going to miss that. I have no one to buy them for now.