Archives for category: Loss

I have started and failed to finish several posts this week. It has been difficult for me to get into a good writing flow. They were all very long posts but they just didn’t seem right to me. They all were incomplete as well. I have had a lot on my mind but the words just won’t form correctly. Today, though, I am going to try a bit harder.

Yesterday evening I was thinking to myself that I would really enjoy it if I had a rainy day tomorrow. A day to just slow me down a little bit. A reason to stay inside, cuddled up with my sweetheart. A day where I could use the bad weather as an excuse to not run errands, go somewhere fun, walk to the park, or whatever ever else came up. 

For over a week I haven’t slept through the night. Last night was no exception. As I lay in bed I considered a walk to the park with Jackson today. No workout, take a rest day because I haven’t taken a rest day in over a week either. But a nice 1.5 mile walk and maybe some swimming. My brain was active as I lay in bed considering all the things I could do today. I finally decided to get myself up for the day, having stayed in bed a bit later knowing I didn’t plan on fitting in a workout. Alexander started slowing moving around, then kicking. It was time to start my day. 

Imagine my surprise as I waddled into my kitchen, not greeted by the usual beaming sunlight that radiates through the massive set of windows we have. I was greeted by grey sky, rain, clouds, and utter wetness outside. My heart skipped a beat. My rainy day! I hadn’t even checked the weather forecast yesterday. I had no idea rain was coming. I just wished it would, to force me to slow down a touch. As I sit here and write I am accompanied by the sounds of rain falling on my skylights. Heavy raindrops writing their own song. Jackson is still asleep. He likes to sleep late on rainy mornings. There is no sun radiating around the small space around his blackout blinds. 

I am not sure what we will do today. My dishes could be washed. I was too tired last night to wash the ones from dinner. Legos are already spread across my kitchen table. Except for the small area I am afforded for my meals and well my laptop I am typing on now. We have a ton of books we could read. I have a new big Ninja Turtles coloring/activity book we could make our marks on. Maybe we will do all of them. If he keeps sleeping much longer, there won’t be a nap today. Especially on a day where we don’t wear ourselves out playing outside or going on an adventure. 

As I sipped my coffee earlier, watching the rainy day, I couldn’t help but thank my Gma (that is what I called her a lot). I can’t help but feel like she may have had a hand in providing me with exactly what I needed this week. Forcing me to slow down a little, her girl who is always on the go. Thanks Gma, you did me a solid. 


View from my kitchen

There’s no easy way for me to open this post. I have nothing clever or witty to say. My heart is heavy and broken. Just before midnight on Tuesday, August 12th, my dear grandma passed away. My parents called me a few minutes to midnight to let me know. Sleep was impossible. I physically felt nauseated. I had to sit up in bed for quite sometime. Crying. My mind and heart simply would not settle down. 

I am going to start off with sharing what I had to get off my chest after 1am that night. I posted it on Facebook. 

“It’s not going to be a good day. splat said. Not a good day at all. Seymore shook his head”
I suppose it’s only fitting that a quote from a book, even one of Jackson’s, is what keeps running through my head tonight. As I try to sort through my utter and profound grief over losing a woman I so deeply love. A woman who had a large part in helping shape the bookworm I still am to this very day. A woman who took me to the library more times than I can remember. Who let me climb her tree with my books in tow and sit up there reading. Who often shared with me stories about the books she was reading. My grandma. And every time I’ve tried to close my eyes to get some rest I just keep hearing that line:
“It’s not going to be a good day. Not a good day at all.”

That quote truly kept running through my mind. Over and over and over. My grandma was all of those things to me, but she was more than that as well. I literally have thousands of memories buried deep within my subconscious. I spent SO much time with her as a child and as an adult. I even lived with her for almost 2 years in late teens early 20’s. I moved in with her and my grandpa a few months before I turned 20 and moved out a few before I turned 22. I had countless sleepovers at their home as a little girl. We were close. 

I can’t even sort through everything that I am feeling or remembering right now. I still feel overwhelmed. I have cried a lot. I have also gone out of my way to stay as busy as I can. Despite my husband’s pleas that I take it easy since I am 8 1/2 months pregnant. I prefer to be busy. The quiet moments are when the tears come. I couldn’t even do my normal routine of quietly relaxing while drinking my coffee this morning. I had to write. 

I am not an overly religious person. I suppose, though, I do believe in forces in the world around us. Meaningful moments. Strange occurrences. Coincidences exactly when you need them. Yesterday on my drive home from my Grandpa’s I put on a Spotify shared/public playlist. It is called Coping with Loss. I simply hit shuffle. The song from Fievel came on first. Somewhere Out There. I had no idea that song was even on the playlist. I saw the first two song titles and thought “eh, sounds like it might be ok.” And decided to give it a shot. My mom and I watched that movie and loved the song when I was little. We sang it for my Grandma. She was so in love with my performance and my enjoyment of that movie she went and bought me the stuffed animal. A large Fievel. I watched that movie A LOT at her home. I have vivid memories of that and that song. So it hit me intensely that it was the first song to come on simply by hitting shuffle. Those quiet moments alone bring some overwhelming emotions. 

I know she is resting now. The last thing I said to her before I left on Tuesday night around 7:30 was “Goodbye Grandma. Get some rest. I will be back tomorrow.” I suppose she listened to me. She peacefully went while sleeping. She went to get her rest. 


Christmas Eve 2013

October 2012

October 2012

I did a really great thing for myself yesterday. I got back into the swing of things with Pilates. Not practicing Pilates on my own. I haven’t missed a beat with that. No, I am talking about student teaching to get all of my hours for my certification. I had been on a break of sorts. I was just dealing with so much in my personal life that something had to give. With the home buying nonsense, my grandpa passing away, having a toddler, my IBS flaring up from all the stress, and injuring my neck, I was constantly spent.

The last thing I wanted to do was stand up in front of a room of people, not feeling confident at all, and try to safely guide them through physically demanding moves. No. I was not up for that. I spent all day giving my best to my son. I couldn’t put him on the back burner. No matter how depressed I was over my grandpa, I couldn’t mope around all day not caring for my child. So, by the time my husband got home at night I was just exhausted. There was nothing left to give.

I started to feel better last week, slowly but surely. Then, the weather started to warm up. We went to the park about 3 times in a week’s time! Ah, glorious sunshine and fresh air will do anyone some good. I went back in yesterday to student teach a private session with my amazing teacher. It felt ah-maze-ing to get in there and do this. I felt so great afterward. I am ready to get back into this. I am ready to finish what I started. I am ready for life to continue on.

I needed my mourning period. I am by no means over it. I never will be. Grandpa randomly crosses my mind regularly. I will be doing the most simple thing and suddenly some memory will flood back. I also got very attached to being around Jack. I have barely let him out of my sight since this time last month, actually. Other than one sleepover at my mom’s home. I think she needed that as much as I needed to take a break from student teaching. Clinging to this life that I created just felt right and safe. Looking at his cute little toddler feet, watching the way he plays with his toys, listening to his HUGE vocabulary, and just taking in his face, were the places I wanted and needed to be. The thought of being away from him several nights a week was just not something I wanted to actually go through with. Even if some days I felt like he was driving me crazy. I just didn’t want to miss a thing.

Death is a funny thing. Dealing with it and trying to put your own life back together can be tricky. I have been to a good share of wakes and funerals. This was by no means my first. But they were always more distant relatives. Not what I consider an immediate relative. It was different this time. It has been hard. Bottom line. How long should one mourn? There is no definitive answer to that. I cringe at the thought that if I ever have another child my grandpa will not have met that baby or even know about his/her existence. I hate that. A baby is not a big priority on my list, but I have thought about that scenario. Does that mean if I actually decide to have a 2nd that I shouldn’t? No. Because life does go on. The living have to keep living. Keep loving the loved ones we have with us while remembering the ones we have lost. I just squeeze my little man a little tighter and rub his hair a little more and kiss his toes just one more time.

It was time to get back to my life that I worked really hard to achieve. I put so much time and effort into training to teach and to be derailed much longer would just be a waste. My grandpa would not have wanted me to waste my talents. That much I know.

Two days ago my new baby arrived! I am head over heels in love. I was from the moment it arrived. My new Balanced Body Combo Chair!!!!! I have used it twice since then and I will use it again this morning. I have been trained to teach it, so I know how to use it. I knew how to set it up. I knew how amazing it would be. But I didn’t realize how amazing it would be to know that this Pilates machine is mine all mine.

We have a very large master bed room. It could really be two rooms. They should have made it a 3rd bedroom in this townhouse. But we don’t own this place and with all luck we will be moving into MUCH more space in a little over a month. The appraisal is today, keep your fingers crossed. Anyway, the 2nd half of our bedroom is used for our exercise equipment. I arranged my Pilates area rather nicely. I am looking forward though to having an entire room for my Pilates stuff.


I do have to move the chair away from the window a bit when using it. So I have full range of motion, but it works. It is my space. I love it. It felt amazing to get back on the chair. I missed it. Things have  been so bananas since my grandpa went into ICU and then passed away. I haven’t been into the studio in a while. I guess I have been a little depressed and overwhelmed with everything I have to handle right now. Three days ago I started to feel a bit better overall. I am hoping this keeps up. I think I am coming to terms with his passing. I am still sad but Saturday I had a little release. I cried a bit . Also, exercise helps. And what is better than a brand new toy to workout with? Nothing I tell you, nothing!



My Grandpa died. There I said it on here. It has been over a week since he passed. He passed March 9th around 4am. He had been in ICU for over a week. He fought a long and hard battle with Emphysema (COPD). I haven’t absorbed it yet. We had the wake and funeral last week. A week ago tomorrow, actually. I haven’t cried as much as I thought I would.

My mom is pretty upset. I think I have been trying to stay strong for her. Jack has kept me permanently distracted.  A 2 year old is good for that. I have to say, he was an angel through all of this. He spent two days at the hospital with us all. He spent the weekend out and about making arrangements  He spent two days at a wake and funeral. Missing his naps. We recevied tons of compliments on how well behaved our TWO year old is! Jack was perfect.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep right away because I started thinking about him. I didn’t cry. I thought about moments together. Like the summer I sat in the hospital with him for 12 hours a day while he recovered from a collapsed lung. I didn’t have summer school because I was transitioning between schools at the time. Heading off to Loyola in the fall. I was the only one who had that free time. We didn’t want him to be alone too much. I fed him. I made sure he drank water. I spoke to his doctors and nurses to relay any messages to my mom and aunts. I talked to him. Reminded him that in a year he had a wedding to be well for, mine! Mostly I sat there reading and napping while he slept. This was about 6 years ago.

I started thinking about how proud he always was of me, Jason, and Jack. How he beamed over his GREAT grandson. Then I started thinking if I ever have another baby he will have no clue. Jack is the only great grandchild he would ever know. Even when my brothers and cousins have babies…..

I eventually settled down. I am perplexed as to why I haven’t sobbed. It still feels unreal I suppose. I have to explain about my grandpa. He was a fighter. There were many times we received calls that he was doing poorly. Think back to that summer I described! Yet, he hung on for 6 more years. March 8th my mom called me early to tell me the hospital called her and my aunts in at 5am. Telling them his vitals dropped. When they arrived they said he had an hour to live. I was distraught. There was no way I could get there in time. I had been there Thursday night and the previous Sunday, but still! I wanted to be there. Jason was downtown, 30 miles away. Jack was fast asleep. Jason offered to come home but we figured by the time he got home Jack would be up anyway. I got to the hospital around 11. Grandpa had woken up in between the dr’s claims and my arrival. He spoke to everyone. He went back to sleep, but didn’t pass. As a matter of fact, he waited nearly another 24 hours to pass! Take that doctors! I had told Jason earlier on  Thursday, “Grandpa is scrappy. This might not be the end at all.” I believed it. And even Jason pointed out “See, they gave him an hour and here we are hours later and he is still alive! He is scrappy!!! Don’t rush to the hospital!” I still rushed but Jason was right. My brother went on to tell me a story at the Wake. I may not relay it correctly but it went along these lines. He was telling his friend about how Grandpa always pulls through. After Thursday he said something similar to what I said, without us knowing it! He said, “He was supposed to die a long time ago. I don’t know that this is the end, he may pull through!” After he passed my brother used his humor to deal with it. He was again speaking to his friend. His friend asked about the services.  Dan said something along the lines of “I don’t know, I still think he may pull through.” Initially his friend didn’t get it, but Dan explained he was building on his previous statement. It is true. Which is why I don’t think I have cried. I feel like I am still going to get that call from my mom “Grandpa is fine. They are releasing him. You don’t have to drive out here.”  My Grandpa didn’t give up easily.

I just feel like I am in this weird reality. It doesn’t make sense that he is gone. I cannot fathom it. I am not sure when it will hit me. I hope I don’t have a total public meltdown. A meltdown at home is fine though!

This past fall my grandpa asked me to arrange a photoshoot with him and all of this grandkids. I managed to pull it off. Getting us all in one place at one time. We are a wild bunch. This isn’t a perfect photo. Grandpa is smiling though. It is candid. We are all over the place. I actually printed an 11×14 poster of this. It is hanging near my kitchen/dining room. I love this photo so much. I will miss him. I will miss bringing him room sprays, per his request, and arguing that he doesn’t have to pay me back! He was on a fixed budget. I am not! I can afford a couple room sprays from Yankee Candle or Bath and Body Works. I am going to miss that. I have no one to buy them for now.