Archives for posts with tag: breastfeeding

Tomorrow Mr. Alexander will be exactly 12 weeks old. A couple days after Christmas he officially turns 3 months old. In our current state I live my life in hour by hour increments. I am still breastfeeding him and on average he eats every two hours. This is the average time. He has longer spurts and there are even times where he eats in under two hours.


I am always checking my little breastfeeding app. How long has it been? How long-ish do I have? What can I get done before he cries out for me? Can I run to the store and be back in time so my husband isn’t trying to calm a very hungry caterpillar? Can I run to the store with both boys, putting Alex in the Ergo, get our errands done, get him back in the carseat and home without him wanting to eat?


Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is I have lots of time. This afternoon has been one of those times. It is 3 and 1/2 hours and counting since he last ate. He is napping though and well, tick tock.

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There are times where the answer is no and Jackson and I are scrambling to drive home while Alexander is presenting us with his lively chorus of hunger. We live outside of Chicago. It is the end of December. It is in the 30’s. We are all always bundled up and stopping to nurse wherever can be tricky with several layers of clothing on! I have stopped the car a couple times and pulled over, climbed in the backseat or brought him in the front seat to nurse him. Especially when we have been very far from home.


2 hour increments. That is life right now. It isn’t bad. It can be tiring. Say he eats for 20 minutes. I hold him for a little while after and we cuddle. I finally put him down and get up to do something. He decides he is hungry in under 2 hours. The 2 hours begin the moment he began nursing. There are times where I literally have 20 minutes to do something.

With Jackson I lounged around so much. That sweet boy and I would sit on the couch all day, drifting in and out of sleep and breastfeeding. Sometimes when Alexander is nursing I am thinking about how much I have to do and is he even done yet?? There is SO much laundry, toys everywhere, dishes galore, and I need to do something about some of it. I put him in a contraption much more often than I did Jackson. Sigh. The poor second child. I feel so guilty sometimes. But things have to be tidied up or we will be living in filth. I have to wash and dry laundry or we will run out of things to wear, and did I mention it is winter? Jackson needs to poop and needs me to wipe him. Jackson wants something to drink. Jackson wants to cuddle with momma.

2 hour increments. They really do fly by. There is no way it can be time to eat again already? Oh look, my app says it has been 1 hour and 58 minutes, so it CAN be time to eat again. Where did those two hours go? I swore I just finished nursing. I still have more dishes to load.

Then there are those moments at 3am, because he wakes up at 3am like clockwork. He stops nursing and I am holding him in my arms. He is sound asleep, ready for me to gently place him in his crib. I take a moment to breathe him in. I resist kissing his sweet little mouth because I don’t want to wake him. I settle for his little fingers instead. I try to focus on his sweet cherub face with what little light there is in his room. Those cheeks are so full. He looks so peaceful and content. He has really filled out since being born. His cheeks are so squishy. I see a little double chin. I know under his sleep sack and jammies there are two thighs that have several little rolls in them. His new jammies are 6 months.

I did that. In 2 hour increments, I did that. For now, those moments bring me back to what really matters. 2 hour increments can really accomplish more than I imagine.


I think I need to be talked off the ledge. The quitting breastfeeding ledge. I am fairly certain I either have about 4 or 5 clogged ducts or I am developing mastitis again. This time on the left side. I am in excruciating pain. At times the entire left side of my upper body hurts. I don’t have any flu symptoms this time though. There may be a red splotch but I also just tried pumping (rather unsuccessfully) and I have been massaging it.

Jack is 9 months old. I have never given him any formula. He has been strictly breastfed and now his solids. But he is always a fan of nursing and getting his milk. I want to go until a year but I am just tired and feeling particularly stressed about dealing with this now. Our household was sick for nearly a month. We all had various viruses. We are finally feeling better and getting back into our routine and now THIS? What? Why can’t I just have a few weeks of not feeling like crap? I know there are worse things in the world but I am having a why me moment! I am and I admit it. I just don’t feel like dealing with it. Is that selfish? Sure. But it really hurts. My boob is even shaped differently than normal. It feels as if there is a solid cylinder in there. Too much info? Perhaps, but if you have never had mastitis or clogged ducts you have no idea how it feels.

I have let Jack nurse the last two nursings on the left side. Before bed and then to try to settle him around 11pm when he woke up screaming. Turns out he had some gas. No help, no relief.

I just tried pumping. First thing in the morning. He is still asleep. I didn’t even manage to get an ounce out. I wasn’t striving to get a full bag of milk. I had no expectation of that. I just wanted to help get something out to relieve this pain. That did not happen.

So I think I need to be talked of the ledge. Because as of this moment I want to throw in the towel. I know that I will be angry at myself later if I give up now, but it is hard to see past the stabbing feeling I am experiencing as I just sit here upright, typing.

Jackson has his 9-month well visit today. We are seeing the nurse practitioner, whom I love! I think I am going to talk with her about this. I have a feeling she will talk me down. She has a way of just explaining things so well. She always makes me feel awesome when I leave there. Even if I am having a good day already. She is so encouraging.

But extra support from stepping back off the ledge is always helpful. Jason says if I do decide to give up now we will get through it as a family. That I have done an amazing job already. I am trying to tell myself that. But a little thing about me, I have incredible mom guilt. I always want to make sure I am doing my best for Jackson. I am a bit of a perfectionist with most aspects of my life. I have always been hard on myself and the mothering department is no exception.

For example, lately I have been giving Jack instant oatmeal. Plain instant oats, instead of old fashioned ones, cooking that, then putting it in trays, freezing it, then defrosting it each morning. Instant oats are the same just less work when I have a 9 month old demanding his cereal. I feel SO guilty that I am taking the easy way out. I still make all of his food. Last night I prepared fresh for him this zucchini, yellow squash, and tomato puree. I served it over turkey with some cheddar/jack cheese. Along with whole grain all natural Italian bread. On the menu to make today, homemade whole grain banana bread, probably some broccoli, sweet potato fries, and maybe these broccoli cheddar baked fries…from scratch. But I still feel guilty that each morning I microwave his oatmeal and then mix it with homemade apple sauce or pears or plums etc. Which I am aware is ridiculous of me. The kid eats like a king constantly. I work very hard to keep track of and prepare all of this food for him.  I am just kind of hard on myself with the mom guilt. My mom told me to not feel guilty about the oatmeal, that I do so well with his food. But this morning when I am getting his food ready I will feel just a tinge of guilt. I know it!

I know down the road I will be mad at myself. Oh, so that should make the decision easy, right? Don’t quit then! No, because as I sit here, even after taking advil, it feels like the pain is getting worse. My energy to deal with it is non-existent.

So here is my ledge rant. I want to  be done and just not deal with this right this second. I want to feel good for a while before dealing with the next crappy feeling moment. I don’t think that is too much to ask, but perhaps I am wrong.


The past couple of runs have been a bit rough. My allergies tend to be bad in the fall. I believe it is the ragweed. The last 3 runs have been bad. Between my allergies and pushing the stroller and baby, I get winded quickly. I am limited on what allergy meds I can take because of nursing. I was telling my hubby on our Saturday run/walk that I am looking forward to next fall when I can take my good meds and breathe easy. Sometimes I feel like I am a football player with having to push about 45lbs while running. I even repeat to myself “dig dig dig” when we are heading up a hill. How lame! HA! It is certainly not easy to jog with your baby. It is fun and incredibly rewarding. However, it is tough, hard work, and can leave you exhausted and sore. It is kind of like mommahood in general!

I have come to a final decision regarding nursing. I am feeling good about it. I am going to nurse him until he is a year. Then I will stop. I am not sure how I will go about weaning. I do not want to ever give him formula. That is my goal. He tends to be rather flexible with eating. He enjoys eating. We feel that he won’t reject regular milk when we begin giving it to him after a year. I may stop cold turkey and try the cabbage in the bra trick. I had considered nursing longer than a year. I was recently thinking that overall I will be ready. A year is phenomenal! 6 months is phenomenal! I am nearly at 8 months and I fully believe I will make it to a year. I think my milk supply was dropping a bit but I have been taking some Fenugreek, and it has been helping. So with dedication I think I will make it to a year.

It was a hard decision to come by. I know I have time. With the holidays though things will fly. He will be a year on February 4th. Halloween is around the corner, then Thanksgiving hits you, and after Thanksgiving you blink and Christmas is here! My hubby’s birthday is in the beginning of January and I will be planning Jacks first birthday extravaganza (I am serious about that, I have already begun planning it. I think I am more obsessed with this than our wedding) So I came to the decision now. I will be ready for us as a family to move on. My husband and I need to spend some more time together. Since Jack has been born we have gone on 4 dates alone. Two being this week. I love doing things as a family. LOVE IT. If push comes to shove I prefer us all going out and doing things together. But sometimes it is nice for us to get out just the two of us. Not often and not for anything crazy, but for example we went to eat and bowling. Last night we went to a real sit down restaurant. Which we have not done since he was about two or three months old.

I am not saying I want to get away from him. I had a miserable time for the first part of our date because Jackson had a fit when I was leaving. My dad finally said, “Go, you coming back in here over and over is making it worse. He will be fine, just go!” I obliged, heavyhearted, and we headed to the bowling alley.  My mom finally texted me and said he was happy and even sent me a smiling photo of him. Separation anxiety is hard on me too! I felt awful for leaving him so upset. I did say good bye, I didn’t sneak off, which was hard, but I did it.We are rarely apart, once in a while, I am told, it is good for both of us! HA! So at a year I will be ready as I can be for us as a family to move on to the next step. I will still be emotional about it all. Between nursing ending and him turning a year, I will be a wreck. I started crying yesterday talking about it! I asked my hubby to be patient and understanding in February. It will be a bittersweet month. I love that child more than I can even express. My whole world revolves around him. Every move I make depends on his needs.

I talked about this all with Jason and my parents yesterday. They all agreed that it is ok for me to be ready to move on when he is a year. That it is good for me to have more flexibility. That someone can watch him overnight without us worrying about his feeding schedule. He has never spent the night anywhere but with me and Jason. As a collective family we feel confident that this is the best decision for us.It was nice to have their unconditional support.

I am not sure if some people would consider this decision selfish. Those I know do not. I am sure there are some die hard BF advocates that may. But I try to not judge the decisions other moms make, unless they are downright abusive, so I hope I receive the same respect. It was a tough decision to come to. I have been thinking about this for a few months. I feel I will be ready to move on then. I am feeling good about it. I stared out on this journey just wanting to give it a shot. Then I wanted to go at least 3 months, then I wanted to go at least 6 months. Then once I got close to 6 months I thought I can do this for a year!

It feels good to have finally reached a final goal and decision. I was on the fence for a while but something in my heart this week just told me that this is the best choice for us all. That I will be ready to go on to the next adventure in our lives together. I am feeling good about this all!

How can you tell if your milk supply is low? For the past 3 nights Jack has been waking up. Two of those nights he has been inconsolable. I feed him and he is up again in two or less hours, hysterical. Only one night did he eat and go back to sleep until morning. I am not sure what is wrong exactly. Last night tylenol did not work for him. I did nurse him around 1am and he is still sleeping. That nursing session I actually felt a bit of let down. So I KNOW he got some milk, and since he is obviously still asleep, he was satisfied. But the other times? I am not so sure.I used to get that feeling of let down a lot in the beginning. Every time I nursed or leaked. But after a couple months of my body adjusting, that feeling and the leaking began to subside. We got into a groove I suppose. I never leak now and once in a while I get that let down tingle.

Is it a low milk supply? Is it his teeth? Did he have some gas, because he had some earlier in the day. I just wish I could tell what was wrong with him right away so I could fix it to my best ability. I tried fixing all three of those issues. I hate seeing him upset. It is not the lack of sleep I have been getting that makes me want to solve this, it is his little upset face. It breaks my heart.

I had wanted to go see the lactation consultant last Monday, but I was sick. This does not happen during the day. He is happy during the day after nursing. My plan is to go this Monday, in two days. Yesterday I went running for the first time in about a week. I believe it was also the first time I had worked out at all in a week. Then we walked to the park. After his nap after the park we went to Kohl’s and I wore him as usual. This brings me back to the low supply. Maybe all the physical activity reduced it? Am I just bananas here and reading into things more than I should?

Maybe it is just a phase? Separation anxiety? He hates being away from me most of the time. You know that song “There Ain’t No Sunshine”? It comes on my Pandora mix often and I always say this is how Jackson feels when I even go into the other room! He loves to be around me! I do relish in that, I am not going to lie. We are rarely apart. I stay home with him and pretty much bring him everywhere I go. So maybe that could be a part of it?

I just don’t know. But I want to fix it. Not because of my own needs but because I really don’t like seeing him so upset. He is my world and I like when my world is laughing hysterically, not crying hysterically! I am determined to nurse him until he is a year. I would like to go past a year if it is possible. So this is very important to me. I do not want to have to supplement. I just don’t! I set myself a goal to try it, then to get to 6 months, and now I want it to be past a year. Because of this goal, I wonder am I stressing over something that isn’t even wrong? Because I am so concerned with reaching my goal, am I just blinded by unnecessary worry?

I feel like I have a lot of questions without a lot of answers. I guess that is parenting though!

If you have any ideas what this could be, let me know. Or did you go through something like this with your little one? Like I said I don’t mind having to get up with him. I am not bothered by it, I just want to comfort him and fix it for him so that he gets the good rest his little precious body needs!


Jack was up all night. Sleeping a couple hours at a time only. Then waking up hysterical. He also had a very hard time settling down for bed after our normal routine. At first we thought he was just unable to unwind. I mean, it happens to all of us sometimes. So I kept going in there to comfort him, rub him, give him his binky, until he drifted back off. After about 4 or 5 times of that happening before we went to sleep for the night, he settled down. I couldn’t fall asleep though. I didn’t fall asleep until closer to midnight.

Then he woke up at 12:30! I went in there and tried rubbing him but I knew from his response and intensity that was not going to work. So I ended up nursing him. He fell asleep and back in the crib he went.

Then he woke up very angry again at 3am. I tried bringing him in bed with us. He was still very angry, so I just nursed him in our bed. He began to settle down. I kept saying to Jason, “my milk supply must be so low. He is clearly starving. He can’t even go a couple hours. I have no milk!” He did finally settle down. I decided to put him back in his crib in hopes the poor baby would get some good shut eye. I went back to our bed distraught that I again am having milk issues. I just felt awful. The poor baby was clearly upset.

He was up again before 6 am. I decided that I was going to try Tylenol. He is never this hungry this often. Maybe it isn’t my milk. Maybe his teeth are bothering him. I need to rule some things out here and figure out what is wrong with him. His behavior had been totally abnormal. He has not been having sleep issues. Especially with settling down before bed. I cannot remember the last time he woke up so many times at night. After 5 months things started to get better at night. He was doing well going to sleep and sometimes sleeping through the night. If he woke up it was once between 2-4am. Then once he turned 6 months old it was like something in him switched and he started doing beautifully at night. We never had to do any form of sleep training with him. I am not a fan of crying it out. It isn’t my cup of tea, so I am glad that I had the patience to just go with his needs. In hopes it was not my milk I skipped another nursing and tried the Tylenol.

He passed out in ten minutes and he is still asleep. It is just over an hour, but he fell asleep on his own. Which is more than I can say for every other time last night. So I think we found the culprit. His teeth. I feel incredibly awful. I feel like the worst mom in the world. All night I was trying my hardest to comfort him with rubbing him, singing to him, and nursing him and it was wrong. I got it entirely wrong! It did calm him down enough to drift off again but overall it wasn’t what he needed. He was in pain all night. So now I feel guilty.

I have found that guilt is a huge thing I have had to deal with since becoming a mom. I always feel like I am not doing enough. I feel guilty for letting him play alone while I try to clean, do dishes, etc. I have been sick since last Friday night. My hubby stayed home Tuesday because I was feeling my worst. He worked from home but he also helped out. At one point they were upstairs together and I was downstairs just resting a bit. I felt so guilty for resting. For not taking care of him or cleaning or something! I felt entirely guilty for sitting on my butt trying to get better. How lame is that? I am human I need to get better when I am sick! I even feel guilty for snuggling with him in bed while he watches one of his shows and I am trying to just rest but with him. I do feel miserable but he needs my attention so I was trying to balance everything while sick. At some points I just needed to lay down so we would have cuddle time and the entire time I felt like ugh, I am awful. I am not engaging him 100%!

I shouldn’t feel guilty when I am doing a load of dishes because keeping a clean home for him is taking care of him. But then I think well he isn’t getting my undivided attention, so is that hurting his brain development? Is he going to be scarred for life because I was vacuuming instead of reading to him? Shouldn’t I be engaging his brain 100% of the time?!?!?! Doesn’t he need me constantly? Is he going to feel alone and neglected because sometimes I have to do other things? I know they need to learn to have alone time, but the guilt is still there. I am guessing most of my worries are entirely irrational, but it is always there in the back of my mind. Just lingering. Mocking me, and telling me that somehow I am not an awesome mom.

I even felt guilty for not wearing him to the grocery store the past two trips because I was sick. I ran there Monday for soup and a neti pot. Then yesterday I ran there because I was sick of soup and eating out. I wanted to cook some dinner for the rest of the week. I had him sit in the cart for the first time. He is still a little wobbly, so he had some of his stuffed friends next to him for extra support. The entire time I felt like a bad mom for sticking him in this stupid cart. Really??? I feel bad for bringing him to the store with me and putting him in the cart like most moms do! I told him while shopping, “don’t worry buddy, next week momma will wear you again.” And I will fulfill that promise.

So realizing this morning that I was trying to fix the wrong problem, I just feel even worse and even more guilty. I just want to make sure I do everything right for him. I want him to be a happy baby and child. I want him to know just how much I love him. That when I see him my heart swells to a million times its normal size! That his giggle fills my world with an unexplainable joy. That his cries break my heart and if I see tears, forget about it. My world is destroyed when his face is soaked with tears!

Does this ever go away? Do moms ever feel like ahhhh I do everything right? I got this! I am guessing that is unrealistic. I am guessing that most moms feel more like I do. We just don’t know how exactly our actions will impact our precious little children. So we always have to worry and yes sometimes feel a little guilty. Jason tried to reassure me that I wasn’t awful and I shouldn’t feel guilty. He said if this is the worst part of Jack’s life, then he is a lucky baby. He is a lucky baby to have such a good Mommy to spend his entire day with every day! And that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  That now we know if he has a night like this it probably isn’t hunger, it is probably his teeth. We have lived and learned and we can take this with us for the next time this happens. Which is true. Trial and error. Until he can talk I am afraid that we will have to manage this way.

And then I am sure that next stage will bring on a whole new kind of guilt and worry….

On a good note…I  have taught him something. (so see, I should lay off the self guilt business. I am clearly doing something right!) He now plays peek a boo! On his own terms. He will bury his face in me, then snap it back and smile. I then say “where is Jackson? THERE HE IS!!!” or “peek a boo!” He smiles and laughs. I play this game with him a lot. With my hands, with a blanket, in the car when I am loading groceries or bags. We have an SUV so I can pop up and down from the trunk and he can see me. He loves it. I will even play it with him while preparing his food in the kitchen if his high chair is in the dining room. I will pop back and forth in the doorway to keep him laughing. He has finally learned how to do it himself! It is the most fun game in the world.

I have been engaging his brain and I need to give myself a guilt break! Easier said than done… 🙂

Ha! Excuse my humor. I just thought this title was too funny. That is what my baby is, a silly little weaner hahaha. Ok…on to my post….

I went to the Baby Bistro Ice Cream Social yesterday at my hospital. Jack had been doing really well with nursing so I just briefly mentioned my issue. It was packed there too. The LC thought it could  have been that I was very sweaty the one day of the “incident.” That he may have not liked the taste because sweat tastes salty. I felt that it was so busy that I didn’t want to try to explain it all. Then last night he had a bad feed, very fussy. He tried eating for about 20 minutes, which is odd for him these days. Unless it is bedtime. Then he sometimes luxuriously nurses. He was still grumpy after. He had a hard time staying latched. Very distracted. I had just made him some apples so I fed a bit to him and he was happy. Sigh….just when I thought things were going better and that I had made a big deal over a small bump in the road. THEN last night before bed, an hour and half or so after that fussy feed and the apples it was bedtime.

He did not have to nurse to fall asleep! WHAT?!?!? I was in shock. I tried to nurse him but I think he wasn’t hungry after his apples. He snacked for a few minutes then pulled off and wanted to try to look around his dark room. So I gave him binky and put him in the crib and he put himself to sleep. He did not wake up at all last night and as a matter of fact he is still asleep.

So he is doing his own things these days and I feel like I am running behind him saying, “wait, slow down, you’re still a baby. Right??? You are still a baby?” I am going to regular Baby Bistro on Monday again to talk with her. I don’t think it will be quite the celebration it was yesterday at a normal meeting.I just want to some tips on how to deal with self-weaning. I want to go 6 more months!

Anyway on to a way more awesome note. I had not been to Bistro since Jackson was over 2 months old. I had a pumping question so I went. I really have not had a hard time with breastfeeding compared to most women. Other than now, that it seems my little man likes my cooking for him as much as his milky. Which it isn’t a constant feeding issue yet either. It is less than once a day that he has a fit about this. So I can breathe a bit easier. He isn’t on a full blown nursing strike! He is just growing up and is becoming more interested in solids sometimes. He does generally still nurse about every two hours during the day. Sometimes it is clearly just a snack, he will nurse for 4 minutes and then be done. I have decided I will be here on demand for him because I do not want him to wean. So if he wants to nurse, he gets to nurse. I truly do not believe it is a bad thing for my son to snuggle with me and nurse even if it is just because he is thirsty, stressed, lonely, or even just bored. There is nothing wrong with bonding time, and keeping my milk production flowing!

Ok back to my awesome point. So I was talking to the LC and she couldn’t quite place me. She asked if I had been there before and I explained I had and when and how long it has been. Before I left we were chatting briefly again and she said “You look SO great. I mean really fit. I think that is why I didn’t recognize you at first! You really look great!” What a compliment! It felt nice to have someone say something about how different I look already.

Jason asked me, “so was she saying you were a fatty the last time she saw you?” I said, “I don’t think so. I had just had a baby two months before that. I still had some of the mushy baby weight on me. It is a GOOD thing that someone whom I have not seen in some time notices the difference in me. If she didn’t, then it would mean all of my hard work was for nothing.” He then agreed that my analysis was true. As a note, Jason never ever once said I looked fat or big or unattractive while pregnant or after! Quite the opposite actually. He always has been unable to keep his mitts to himself when it comes to me. You have to understand his sense of humor, which is dry and sarcastic, and sometimes gets him into trouble. So when he made that comment to me, I knew that he wasn’t saying he ever thought that. He was just being funny. So don’t worry, he doesn’t and hasn’t thought I was “a fatty” because I grew and birthed him his son! I wouldn’t be married to a man who treated me that way.

It just felt nice to hear someone that I do not know say that about me. She had no reason to say this to me. She didn’t know that I work out regularly. She didn’t know that my passion is fitness. She just thought I looked that way.


Before we get to the heavy stuff, let’s just have a nice little update!

Jackson is an outdoorsman. He loves being outside. Since we have been home we have gone on a run around the lake, to the park to play on the swings, and to the spray park (where he lasted for an hour, happily!)

Before our brisk run around the lake Wednesday morning!

I am very happy about this. Jason and I both enjoy outdoor activities. I guess it is no surprise that the little man we created also enjoys outdoor activities. But you know, sometimes kids like to do the complete opposite of what their parents like to do.

I am so happy I took him to play on the swings the other day. We took him on July 3rd and he did not cry but he didn’t seem to enjoy it. So I gave it a rest, I don’t want to force things. I was super bored the other day, even after going to Gymboree, so we left and went to the park down the street. The photos do not do his happiness justice.  You would have to see the videos, but you do get the idea. He was experiencing pure joy. There was laughter and squealing. It was simply precious.

On another more serious note, I am afraid he is beginning to self-wean. I have been incredibly emotional about this lately. I am not ready to stop breastfeeding. However, he is way more interested in solids lately. (Although he did wake up at 2:30am, which he hasn’t done in a while, and I happily nursed him  back to sleep! I rubbed his face the entire time too. I enjoyed it) While we were in Lake Geneva we had an incident. He wouldn’t nurse from me! And he wasn’t happy either. He was hysterical actually. If you know Jackson, you know moments like that are few and far between. If he is unhappy or frustrated he tends to whine, not scream. If he is screaming, something is seriously wrong.

I had one last pumped bottle in the fridge. Jason fed it to him and he gobbled it up and was happy as a clam. I was absolutely devastated. I even had a meltdown in the restaurant we went to after this incident because they put mayo on my Reuben Sandwich (really, MAYO!?!?! Who has even heard of putting that disgusting stuff on a Reuben sandwich. I could have looked past the terrible corned beef and how thin of a sandwich it was, but I saw the mayo and it just really upset me. Clearly I was displacing my sensitivities. sigh…) Monday I am attending this ice cream social to celebrate World Breastfeeding Month at my hospital. I am going to speak with a Lactation Consultant about this and go from there. Jackson’s doctor did say that he would become more interested in solids and less interested in nursing. But like I said, I am not ready! I want to nurse him until he is a year. I love our time together.

I remember early on feeling like I just wanted a break from it. I was so tired and he was eating every hour but would eat for 20-30 minutes at a time! I wish I could go back and take those feelings of wanting some freedom back. I really do. I think it was adjusting to motherhood, healing from delivery, exhaustion, and learning how to nurse all rolled into one big ball that made me feel like I just wanted to be able to run to the store alone for 20 minutes. Now, I hate going anywhere without him. I can nurse him without any effort really. I just love everything about being a mom. I have 100% adjusted (ok, that is for now, I am sure as he enters a new stage I will stumble around again for a bit…for the rest of his life most likely!) But as of this morning I wouldn’t change a thing, except the fact that he may be ready to wean or my milk may be drying up. Either is awful in my book and I am not ready, not ready at all! I hope the LC has some good advice for me on Monday. I know I could call but I prefer to speak in person about this. I am not sure why, but I just do. Maybe it is the person to person contact and support that comes from being in person. It feels a bit more reassuring to me.

I am not going to give up on this without a fight. I will go down swinging. I am not going to just say, “ok, so he won’t nurse anymore. oh well!” and move on. No way, I will try every trick in the book, visit the LC a hundred times, and I will make phone calls if I have to. My goal was to make it to 6 months. Around month 4 or 5 I decided to go to a year. I have even considered going longer than a year, something my hubby does not support me on. He has been my biggest supporter of breastfeeding, I have mentioned that before. But he just doesn’t support it over a year. He thinks if Jackson can ask for milk from me, he is too old to be attached to my boob. No rude comments please, those are my husband’s feelings and he is entitled to them. I respect his opinion and he is allowed to feel how he does about OUR child. We have not even gotten into a nasty argument about it, so there is no need for anyone else to get upset about it. We will deal with those decisions when it is time to face them. The big issue now is that we may not even make it to a year! It looks like Jackson may end this first parenting disagreement for the two of us though.

I have been noticing that he will nurse for 5-6 minutes and then want to eat his solids. He will pull off and smile. But if I don’t get his solids going quick enough he will get whiny. Then he will gobble up his solids. The other day this week he nursed like I said above. Then had a melt down in the highchair because I didn’t feed him spoonfuls quick enough. Once he was done eating he was giggly and happy Jackson. So I know deep in my heart he is loving the solids and is just using milk a little now. I am trying to take solace in the fact that I also make his babyfood. There have been times I have spent over an hour preparing his food for freezing. I am still creating his nourishment from scratch, just in a different way. I think that this nursing issue may throw me even more into preparing every meal for him. I don’t think I will even buy those puffs that a lot of babies and toddlers eat. I will likely make all of his finger foods.

Last night I had a dream or nightmare I guess that I was searching for ripe plums for him. There were no ripe plums and barely any plums at all. I needed plums to make for him. He was out of them and he needed more. I was devastated to discover the store had barely any and the ones they had I couldn’t use because they were too sour. HA! These are the things that weigh on a mom’s heart.

So that is the battle I am facing right now. I will continue to blog about my journey here and there. When I am ready to come to terms with each event that occurs. This all started about a week ago and it has taken me some time to gather my thoughts on it. I do know I am not ready and I will not just give up. I am a stubborn person and when I do set my mind to something I will succeed. I have been trying to drink more water, which I normally drink a lot anyway. I have been trying to pump if I have the time. I am not normally a big pumper. It is a rare occasion for me to pump, but I have been trying to. I nurse him as soon as I see hunger cues. We will see what else I can do…Until next time…

This week has been so busy. I have been doing a million things. We got a job for a photoshoot though Medela. They selected two mom/baby models to come that day. They made their final decision about who to shoot the day of. They went with the other pair (we still got paid!) because I am blonde and the last momma they used was blonde and we resembled one another. The other girl that came down that day had dark hair and her son had a lot of very dark hair. Little Jack has such light blonde hair that he looks bald. It is ok though. I was super disappointed but my hubby pointed out, we got paid and didn’t have to work. That is smart!

Walking around downtown

We had to go downtown, where we used to live. So we showed Jack the city and our old neighborhood. He seemed to love all the sights to see. We stopped at our old condo. Well we still own it but we obviously do not live there anymore. I think we had a blast showing him around. He even got to see what would have been his bedroom.

in our condo...want to buy it???

It turned out to  be such a fun day together. He was so wonderful too. He was going with the flow. He was happy after catnaps. He never got a luxurious nap in like he normally does at least once a day. He didn’t seem to mind not being in familiar surroundings. He will be 5 months on Monday. He is really starting to grow up. I am enjoying it but I am also sad about it.

On the balcony with Dada

Yesterday we had a vet appointment for the kitties. This meant Jason stayed home again. We also had another fun day together. It was Gymboree day as well. Jason got to come with us for the first time. Jackson seemed to enjoy having us both there. It was wonderful for Jason to get to be involved in some of this fun stuff instead of always being at work while we run around doing activities. I also enjoyed watching him interact his own way.

Parachute time

I even stepped back and let them play without saying “no do it this way or no the song goes like this” GASP!!!! I know, I actually relaxed and let him take total control. Ok, so I didn’t do it RIGHT away but after a few minutes into class I did. That is a huge step for me. I am kind of a control freak, especially when it comes to my only son/child. I like things done a certain way. I know I need to give up some control, but not right now.

So happy to play with Dada

I have a million things to do today. Our house is a disaster since we really weren’t around much. I probably shouldn’t even be writing, but I decided to take a few moments to unwind this morning. I have been getting all of my exercise in despite being so busy. I haven’t missed a day! Today will probably be a pilates day, unless the temps stay under control then I will go running. I treated myself to some more new running gear yesterday. It is incredibly motivational to have new things to wear. I just want to put them on and use them right away!

This weekend is going to be even busier than the past couple of days. We have company coming over tomorrow and Sunday. Monday I have my 5k! AHH I DO need to get cleaning! YIKES! See you all next week!

I have been struggling to get Jack to nap in his crib for about a month at this point. He LOVES to nap in his swing.

He has been doing that since he was about 2 1/2 weeks old. That thing was and to some extent still is a lifesaver for us. It really soothed him early on. It allowed me to get some sleep when he would wake up at 4 am and not want to go back to sleep in his crib. I would sleep on the couch while he went back to sleep in this swing. At that point it is all about survival. You got to do what you can to get some rest yourself. Then it turned in to him only napping in it during the day. Luxurious 3 hour naps in here.

But I always feel as though I cannot leave  him alone too long. Or at least I did. It is easier now. I can take a shower without panicking the whole time. He is safe, buckled in, and sound asleep. Not much different than the crib.

But I feel like I never get a break. I nurse him, so I am always up with him when he needs to eat in the middle of the night. We are tethered together. I LOVE it. But every human being needs a small amount of time to just be alone or have a breather. So for me this break is found when he naps in his room during the day. That is all I ask. I love being with him 24/7. I havent been apart from him for more than a couple hours since he was born. And certainly never overnight or for an entire day. I don’t plan on that changing any time soon. Maybe when I stop BF after he is a year old.

But this crib stuff has been a huge challenge. Yesterday he dozed off while eating. AFTER his morning crib nap, which lasted 30 minutes, leaving him exhausted still. I decided that I would put him on the floor instead of in his swing.

This was the result. So he was FINE with being on the floor, but not in his crib. He is seriously so silly. He does crack me up. I love him more than anything. Eventually he is going to be too large for this swing and he will just have to deal with napping elsewhere. Right now I get one nap in the morning in the crib. It varies from 30 minutes to about 2 hours. I must point out, he tends to do 2 hours when Jason is home and puts him down for that nap. He has done 1:50 minutes for me ONCE. lol that was earlier in this week. So just once. For me he normally doesn’t do longer than 50 minutes. But I take what I can get. If I wasn’t worried about the kitties trying to snuggle with him I would let him sleep on the floor like this and go about my business. I may start letting him do this while I sit in the living room with him. It could be a transition from the swing to a flat surface! One step at a time. That is my motto anyway. One crib nap in the morning is progress. We will work on the rest later down the road. He is a precious child and has a very strong personality already. I see so much of myself in him. So much! He does look rather cute napping on the floor though. I know there is no photo of a crib nap. But I would never risk waking him up during one by taking a photo 😉 He is in there now! I am off to take a shower, luxuriously!

We have moved from avocados to pears. Jackson loves pears like he loves avocados.


He is doing SO well with eating big boy food. He opens his mouth when he sees the spoon, he is smiling, gobbling it up, and he is really neat lately.


Barely any mess from the food. It is hard to tell who is having more fun, him or me!

I am starting to think about introducing some spices soon. I am serious about making sure he has an easier adjustment to meals I cook for our family.

These are GREAT momma, thanks for making them!

I also think he needs a bigger serving than I am giving him. The past two days he has gotten 1 1/2 tablespoons, but he still seems hungry. I also may add an additional meal to the mix. We will see how he does after a little larger of a serving. I find myself getting lost in reading information about all of this. I have a couple cookbooks which I always refer to as well as all the sources online. I do fret a bit over making sure I am doing this all correctly. But I think he is happy and enjoying our food time.

Doesn't want to miss a bite!

I have introduced 3 fruits, I think the next food may be a full blown veggie. We will see how well he does when we do that. Both Jason and myself are big fruit eaters and in all honesty we probably do not eat as much veggies as we should. I am better about it than Jason is, but I HAVE to start incorporating more veggies into our dinners. We really prefer to cut up some melon and have that as a side with our chicken and rice. Thinking about that meal makes me hungry mmmm!

The pears were so easy to make. I pealed them and cut them up, obviously not including the seeds or core! I steamed them. I have a nice steamer which I received as a wedding gift. I love it. I seriously think that everyone should invest in a steaming pot. It is the best way to cook veggies, and now fruits. I then used some of the water from the pot below to add to the pears. Since nutrients fell into that water.

I cannot get over how simple this all has been. I don’t find it to be work or hard at all. I have so much fun. I love cooking though. I suppose if you hate cooking in general you may not enjoy this process. But I love it just as much as I love nursing him. I have decided I am nursing him for the entire first year of his life. At least as of today.

all done momma!

I found this article fun. I knew most of the points already because I have been reading about this since before he was born, but it is a quick and easy read. Baby Food Revolution. I have referred to this site, Wholesome Homemade Baby Food many many many  times already. I can usually find the answer to any question I have. They have many recipes and tips. I love how they break down food categories into age stages. It is my go-to site when I have a quick question.

If I have not emphasized this enough, I am having a blast. And it is so easy. A smooth transition into my daily schedule. I know that grabbing a jar of food seems so easy, but I suggest just trying to make a batch of baby food before you try the jarred stuff. If you don’t want to do the storing process right away, try making banana puree or avocado puree. Just try it out, see what you think. If it isn’t for you then move on. However, you may be surprised and fall in love with the whole fun and healthy process.