I think I need to be talked off the ledge. The quitting breastfeeding ledge. I am fairly certain I either have about 4 or 5 clogged ducts or I am developing mastitis again. This time on the left side. I am in excruciating pain. At times the entire left side of my upper body hurts. I don’t have any flu symptoms this time though. There may be a red splotch but I also just tried pumping (rather unsuccessfully) and I have been massaging it.

Jack is 9 months old. I have never given him any formula. He has been strictly breastfed and now his solids. But he is always a fan of nursing and getting his milk. I want to go until a year but I am just tired and feeling particularly stressed about dealing with this now. Our household was sick for nearly a month. We all had various viruses. We are finally feeling better and getting back into our routine and now THIS? What? Why can’t I just have a few weeks of not feeling like crap? I know there are worse things in the world but I am having a why me moment! I am and I admit it. I just don’t feel like dealing with it. Is that selfish? Sure. But it really hurts. My boob is even shaped differently than normal. It feels as if there is a solid cylinder in there. Too much info? Perhaps, but if you have never had mastitis or clogged ducts you have no idea how it feels.

I have let Jack nurse the last two nursings on the left side. Before bed and then to try to settle him around 11pm when he woke up screaming. Turns out he had some gas. No help, no relief.

I just tried pumping. First thing in the morning. He is still asleep. I didn’t even manage to get an ounce out. I wasn’t striving to get a full bag of milk. I had no expectation of that. I just wanted to help get something out to relieve this pain. That did not happen.

So I think I need to be talked of the ledge. Because as of this moment I want to throw in the towel. I know that I will be angry at myself later if I give up now, but it is hard to see past the stabbing feeling I am experiencing as I just sit here upright, typing.

Jackson has his 9-month well visit today. We are seeing the nurse practitioner, whom I love! I think I am going to talk with her about this. I have a feeling she will talk me down. She has a way of just explaining things so well. She always makes me feel awesome when I leave there. Even if I am having a good day already. She is so encouraging.

But extra support from stepping back off the ledge is always helpful. Jason says if I do decide to give up now we will get through it as a family. That I have done an amazing job already. I am trying to tell myself that. But a little thing about me, I have incredible mom guilt. I always want to make sure I am doing my best for Jackson. I am a bit of a perfectionist with most aspects of my life. I have always been hard on myself and the mothering department is no exception.

For example, lately I have been giving Jack instant oatmeal. Plain instant oats, instead of old fashioned ones, cooking that, then putting it in trays, freezing it, then defrosting it each morning. Instant oats are the same just less work when I have a 9 month old demanding his cereal. I feel SO guilty that I am taking the easy way out. I still make all of his food. Last night I prepared fresh for him this zucchini, yellow squash, and tomato puree. I served it over turkey with some cheddar/jack cheese. Along with whole grain all natural Italian bread. On the menu to make today, homemade whole grain banana bread, probably some broccoli, sweet potato fries, and maybe these broccoli cheddar baked fries…from scratch. But I still feel guilty that each morning I microwave his oatmeal and then mix it with homemade apple sauce or pears or plums etc. Which I am aware is ridiculous of me. The kid eats like a king constantly. I work very hard to keep track of and prepare all of this food for him.  I am just kind of hard on myself with the mom guilt. My mom told me to not feel guilty about the oatmeal, that I do so well with his food. But this morning when I am getting his food ready I will feel just a tinge of guilt. I know it!

I know down the road I will be mad at myself. Oh, so that should make the decision easy, right? Don’t quit then! No, because as I sit here, even after taking advil, it feels like the pain is getting worse. My energy to deal with it is non-existent.

So here is my ledge rant. I want to  be done and just not deal with this right this second. I want to feel good for a while before dealing with the next crappy feeling moment. I don’t think that is too much to ask, but perhaps I am wrong.