Before we get to the heavy stuff, let’s just have a nice little update!

Jackson is an outdoorsman. He loves being outside. Since we have been home we have gone on a run around the lake, to the park to play on the swings, and to the spray park (where he lasted for an hour, happily!)

Before our brisk run around the lake Wednesday morning!

I am very happy about this. Jason and I both enjoy outdoor activities. I guess it is no surprise that the little man we created also enjoys outdoor activities. But you know, sometimes kids like to do the complete opposite of what their parents like to do.

I am so happy I took him to play on the swings the other day. We took him on July 3rd and he did not cry but he didn’t seem to enjoy it. So I gave it a rest, I don’t want to force things. I was super bored the other day, even after going to Gymboree, so we left and went to the park down the street. The photos do not do his happiness justice.  You would have to see the videos, but you do get the idea. He was experiencing pure joy. There was laughter and squealing. It was simply precious.

On another more serious note, I am afraid he is beginning to self-wean. I have been incredibly emotional about this lately. I am not ready to stop breastfeeding. However, he is way more interested in solids lately. (Although he did wake up at 2:30am, which he hasn’t done in a while, and I happily nursed him  back to sleep! I rubbed his face the entire time too. I enjoyed it) While we were in Lake Geneva we had an incident. He wouldn’t nurse from me! And he wasn’t happy either. He was hysterical actually. If you know Jackson, you know moments like that are few and far between. If he is unhappy or frustrated he tends to whine, not scream. If he is screaming, something is seriously wrong.

I had one last pumped bottle in the fridge. Jason fed it to him and he gobbled it up and was happy as a clam. I was absolutely devastated. I even had a meltdown in the restaurant we went to after this incident because they put mayo on my Reuben Sandwich (really, MAYO!?!?! Who has even heard of putting that disgusting stuff on a Reuben sandwich. I could have looked past the terrible corned beef and how thin of a sandwich it was, but I saw the mayo and it just really upset me. Clearly I was displacing my sensitivities. sigh…) Monday I am attending this ice cream social to celebrate World Breastfeeding Month at my hospital. I am going to speak with a Lactation Consultant about this and go from there. Jackson’s doctor did say that he would become more interested in solids and less interested in nursing. But like I said, I am not ready! I want to nurse him until he is a year. I love our time together.

I remember early on feeling like I just wanted a break from it. I was so tired and he was eating every hour but would eat for 20-30 minutes at a time! I wish I could go back and take those feelings of wanting some freedom back. I really do. I think it was adjusting to motherhood, healing from delivery, exhaustion, and learning how to nurse all rolled into one big ball that made me feel like I just wanted to be able to run to the store alone for 20 minutes. Now, I hate going anywhere without him. I can nurse him without any effort really. I just love everything about being a mom. I have 100% adjusted (ok, that is for now, I am sure as he enters a new stage I will stumble around again for a bit…for the rest of his life most likely!) But as of this morning I wouldn’t change a thing, except the fact that he may be ready to wean or my milk may be drying up. Either is awful in my book and I am not ready, not ready at all! I hope the LC has some good advice for me on Monday. I know I could call but I prefer to speak in person about this. I am not sure why, but I just do. Maybe it is the person to person contact and support that comes from being in person. It feels a bit more reassuring to me.

I am not going to give up on this without a fight. I will go down swinging. I am not going to just say, “ok, so he won’t nurse anymore. oh well!” and move on. No way, I will try every trick in the book, visit the LC a hundred times, and I will make phone calls if I have to. My goal was to make it to 6 months. Around month 4 or 5 I decided to go to a year. I have even considered going longer than a year, something my hubby does not support me on. He has been my biggest supporter of breastfeeding, I have mentioned that before. But he just doesn’t support it over a year. He thinks if Jackson can ask for milk from me, he is too old to be attached to my boob. No rude comments please, those are my husband’s feelings and he is entitled to them. I respect his opinion and he is allowed to feel how he does about OUR child. We have not even gotten into a nasty argument about it, so there is no need for anyone else to get upset about it. We will deal with those decisions when it is time to face them. The big issue now is that we may not even make it to a year! It looks like Jackson may end this first parenting disagreement for the two of us though.

I have been noticing that he will nurse for 5-6 minutes and then want to eat his solids. He will pull off and smile. But if I don’t get his solids going quick enough he will get whiny. Then he will gobble up his solids. The other day this week he nursed like I said above. Then had a melt down in the highchair because I didn’t feed him spoonfuls quick enough. Once he was done eating he was giggly and happy Jackson. So I know deep in my heart he is loving the solids and is just using milk a little now. I am trying to take solace in the fact that I also make his babyfood. There have been times I have spent over an hour preparing his food for freezing. I am still creating his nourishment from scratch, just in a different way. I think that this nursing issue may throw me even more into preparing every meal for him. I don’t think I will even buy those puffs that a lot of babies and toddlers eat. I will likely make all of his finger foods.

Last night I had a dream or nightmare I guess that I was searching for ripe plums for him. There were no ripe plums and barely any plums at all. I needed plums to make for him. He was out of them and he needed more. I was devastated to discover the store had barely any and the ones they had I couldn’t use because they were too sour. HA! These are the things that weigh on a mom’s heart.

So that is the battle I am facing right now. I will continue to blog about my journey here and there. When I am ready to come to terms with each event that occurs. This all started about a week ago and it has taken me some time to gather my thoughts on it. I do know I am not ready and I will not just give up. I am a stubborn person and when I do set my mind to something I will succeed. I have been trying to drink more water, which I normally drink a lot anyway. I have been trying to pump if I have the time. I am not normally a big pumper. It is a rare occasion for me to pump, but I have been trying to. I nurse him as soon as I see hunger cues. We will see what else I can do…Until next time…